Wallis Buttclensch, Sr. Sportswrither
BNN Sports
Monday, January 19, 2004
Southern Californya – (BNN) Frostbitten toes of football fans in Boston and Philadelphia had not yet undergone treatment before members of the Associated Press denounced Super Bowl XXXVIII for not including the best football team in known history: The USC Trojans.
Shortly before midnight, the Associated Press unanimously voted USC number 1, with New England a distant second and the Philadelphia Eagles in third place. The Carolina Panthers rated 5th in the AP balloting behind Green Bay.
Keith Jackson, the voice of the PAC 10 for ABC Sports©, did what few sportscasters could actually pull off – he called a press conference. “I witnessed, firsthand, the thumping Southern Cal gave the mighty Wolverines of Michigan, and – whoah nelly – it was the finest display of football ever” fulminated Jackson. “For the NFL to lock this team out of the Super Bowl based on their arbitrary playoff rules is the worst travesty in the history of the game” continued the Dean of Active Sportscasters.
Jackson also presented the AP’s “McKay Trophy” named after legendary Trojan coach John McKay to Bob Griese standing in for USC Coach Pete Carroll.
Jackson quickly lost control of the media event as many of the so-called reporters there to file stories based on Jackson’s opinion began their own orations. Some yammered to any who would listen while others merely spouted verbally into space in their outrage at the NFL’s intransigence.
Kirk Herbstreit of ESPN™ was apoplectic as he ranted against the so-called “playoff system” devised by Pete Rozell. “It’s not just an imperfect system in need of ‘tweaking,’ it’s a horribly flawed system that should be thrown out with yesterday’s fish guts. I wouldn’t house train my dog on that system.” Herbstreit touted several talented Trojan players as evidence, “Matt Leinart should never lower himself by playing in the NFL, and Mike Williams could beat the New England Patriots all by himself.”
Trev Alberts pointed out that the Trojans had won twelve games out of thirteen. “The Trojans won twelve games which is one game more than Carolina. The Panthers lost FIVE games while the Trojans lost only once, a controversial game involving a little home-cooking by the Cal Bears.” Alberts noted that the referees “unfairly refused to let USC have a fourth overtime against Cal, claiming not to have heard Pete Carroll who, replays clearly showed, yelled ‘DO OVER’ from the sidelines.”
Phil Simms and Greg Gumble, who are set to call the Super Bowl for CBS Sports™ and sensed the profile of their roles as announcers was being lowered, attempted to defend the NFL playoffs as being merit-based and objective. They were quickly forced from the room by a group of writers led by Ivan Maisel calling them “NFL apologists.”
All the writers seemed to agree that their mission for the next two weeks would be to subvert the Super Bowl and sing the praises of the USC Trojans as Permanent World Champions of Football.
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