BNN: Kerry Proposes Iraqi Statehood

Houghton Skibütski, International Bureau
BNN Global
Wentstay, May 19, 2004

And when we add Vietnam, we'll have - henh-henh - sixty-NINE stars - snort-henh Pleasant Sunny Meadows, OH (BNN) - John F. Kerry, the presumptuous Democratic Presidential Nominee, recommended statehood as a means of making reparations with Iraq, reducing U.S. dependency on foreign oil and curbing the skyrocketing price of gasoline enough to tax it.

Speaking to a group of heavily medicated senior citizens, Senator Kerrie blamed the year-long invasion by President Bush for "sort of ripping away the leadership class of Iraq from her people, leaving a deepening void that can only be filled by the firm, loving tools of government."

Kerry also indicated that he would demand that the United States assume Iraq's role as a founding member of OPEC as part of the "first hundred days of a Carry Administration."

Kerry's plan would have the eighteen Iraqi muhafazat, or provinces, established as states as quickly as each can be organized politically. Terry McAwliffe and James Carville were named as advisors to the Democratic Iraqi Party (DIP) to assist in the identification and promotion of delegates for the required statehood actions. The backdrop for the podium of the presumptuous candidate was a United States Flag with 68 stars (see photo).

"I get the feeling they (the Iraqis) need some things to occupy their time more productively. By taking the focus away from the kinds of negative activities they're focusing on, like in Falluja and so on, we'll instead get them interested in their own future through the Democratic political process. You know, there's an awful lot of things to do to prepare for Statehood" Kerry posited.

The new states would retain their current cultural names: Al Anbar, Al Basrah, Al Muthanna, Al Qadisiyah, An Najaf, Arbil, As Sulaymaniyah, At Ta'mim, Babil, Baghdad, Dahuk, Dhi Qar, Diyala, Karbala', Maysan, Ninawa, Salah ad Din and Wasit. Members of the National Organization of Wymyn were tempted to object to "Dhi Qar" on grounds that it was phonetically repulsive but declined to comment when questioned by this reporter.

Network analysts quickly praised the statehood proposal because Kerry had proposed it. Concerns about "empire building" were emphatically dismissed by one Kerry staffer because "you can't have an empire without an emperor, and Senator Kerry is running for President, not emperor. DUH!."

An item downplayed in Kerry's plan was the effect on congressional apportionment. According to Marianne Berrie, a D.C. area civics teacher, Iraq's estimated population of 22.7 million citizens is "comparable to Texas, which has 30 representatives in Congress." Unless the self-imposed limit of 435 members was lifted, approximately that number would have to be re-apportioned from existing states to the new Iraqi states. But according to Berrie, the biggest impact would be in the Senate, "whose membership would be increased by 36% to 136, and the process of reallocating desk and office space would certainly be interesting."

Oil industry analysts had differing opinions as to the potential eligibility of the U.S. as a member of OPEC, however the general consensus was that other OPEC members would quickly vote to expel Iraq.

"What better way to spread democracy than to welcome those Iraqis whose lives George Bush ruined into the fold of middle-class American taxpayers who will get even better taxes when a Kerry administration repeals the draconian Bush tax cuts" propounded a nearly enthusiastic Kerry. "And when that is successful, we can invite another nation ravaged by the unjust war waged against it by a Republican president, a nation whose government I'm proud to say I assisted in achieving power 30 years ago, Vietnam."

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