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Regis "Clearly" TV's Endurance Champ

Fleming Fajot, Entertainment Buzzer
TGIF August 20, 2004

Opaekwa, NY (BNN) - Talkshow and founding "Millionaire" host Regis Philbin surpassed longtime TV anchor Hugh Downs today as the broadcaster logging the most live TV hours at 15,188 and counting. It's the "and counting" part that has his friends as well as network and health officials concerned.

Those close to Philbin claim to have noticed that the thousands of hours of TV camera radiation required to capture his image for broadcast have severely depleted the irascible Regis's photon reserves and fear he is suffering from Photon Depletion Syndrome (PDS).

In an interview, former co-host Kathy Lee Gifford said that she had begun to notice the effects on Regis about the time she left the show. "It wasn't noticeable after his makeup sessions, but some mornings when the light was just right, it seemed like he was becoming translucent."

A producer from "Live with Regis and Kelly", speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Philbin's condition was an open secret, but that the star himself was in denial. "Parts of the man are clear as glass before they (makeup artists) get hold of him. The skin on his face is especially bad because of all the close ups. You can actually see muscles and nasal cartiledge and stuff - it just creeps me out. Mr. Philbin claims he doesn't notice it and says we're 'crazy'."

Doctors won't speculate on how much longer fans will be able to literally see their favorite personality, but agree that Philbin's photon loss is permanent, cumulative and getting progressively worse.

Dr. Verpel Loomen with the Foundation for Proper Viewing Distance stated that while they had initially studied children to determine exactly how far back they should sit to avoid toxic TV set radiation, they discovered the danger to the subjects being televised was significantly higher. "You see, as the photons are dislodged by the camera's radiation for collection and broadcast, it loosens adjacent photons. After a while, they simply fly off any time the victim is jostled. Theoretically, a person suffering from extreme PDS could become completely invisible during exposure to strong winds."

That warning explains why only younger television journalists file live reports from hurricane and blizzard impact zones and makes this reporter thankful that he is in print media.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

IOC: Did USA's Hamm Cheat for Gold?

Wallis Buttclensch, Sr. Sportswrither
BNN Sports
Thurdstay, August 19, 2004

Izthawerd, Greece – (BNN) The International Olympic Committee has begun a multi-pronged investigation into U.S. gymnast Paul Hamm's controversial gold medal performance in the Men's All-Around.

IOC Special Prosecutor François de Poodelle said that the main areas of inquiry were possible scoring irregularities, the use of banned substances and unsportsmanlike distraction of other competitors. "Because of zee heestoricallee close-ah margin of victory of 12 thouzandths of a point, we weel be looking-ah into recalculating zee judges scores-ah" barked de Poodelle. Some judges were confused by their complicated scoresheets which caused the Romanian judge to inadvertently give Pat Buchanan a 9.75 in the pommel horse.

"Wee alzo have reazon to beeleeve zhat Monsieur Hahm used a ban-ned substance-ah to aratafishiallee eenhance-ah heez buoyancee on zee rings, high-ah bar and zee parallel barz-ah." de Poodelle pointed out that IOC officials noted the unusual timbre of Hamm's voice during post-competition interviews and suspect he inhaled massive doses of helium.

"Anozher avenue eez zhat aftair hees clumsy pratfall on zee vault, Monsieur Hahm intentionallee cauz-ed zee other geemnasts to be distracted." de Poodelle has demanded to review all video and audio tapes made by media staff and spectators to determine if Hamm spoke in "a cartoon voice" directed at other gymnasts during their events causing miscues. Six competitors, including Korean runners-up, Dae Eun Kim and Tae Young Yang, China's Yang Wei, Japan's Isao Yoneda, and both Ioan Suciu and Marian Dragulescu of Romania's made key, isolated mistakes at crucial points on various apparatii after Hamm's botched landing nearly put him in the judges' laps.

"I am hearing 'follow the yellow brick road' like small frog, which my focus breaks and I make foo-foo" cried one distraught gymnast according to Michael Moore who was there making another of his signature documentaries. "This will expose the fictitious Olympic team of the Unilateralist States of Halliburton and the Olympics as a transparent ploy by the illegitimate Bush Administration to manipulate false patriotism for the 2004 election" shouted Moore as bits of goat cheese and baklava spewed from his fuzzy maw.

Hamm released a statement through his attorney stating that he had already submitted requested breath samples and had only inhaled secondary helium at a birthday party several years ago when the regulator broke on the balloon clown's gas canister.

While Dembotic™ candidate-for-president and winner of silver, bronze and three grape medals in the 1968 Vietnam Olympics Jean Effing Kerry blasted George Bush for using the Olympics to manipulate false patriotism for the 2004 election, Bush administration officials predictably declined to comment.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

ACLU TargeTs Ma Bell for Crosses

Joseph AnThony SainT-John
CourT ReporTer
Monday, AugusT 2, 2004

(schmEd. NoTe: For reasons which will quickly become evidenT To anyone wiTh a double-digiT IQ, This reporT has been preempTively ediTed To avoid being involved in any legal acTion, FirsT AmendmenT privileges noTwiThsTanding.)

ShikensheT, CA (BNN) - The Orange CounTy ChapTer of The American Chronic LiTigaTors Union has filed suiT in The NinTh Federal Judicial DisTricT againsT Pacific Bell and aT leasT one California sTaTe commission for violaTing The so-called "esTablishmenT clause" of The UniTed STaTes ConsTiTuTion.

Susan X. Torsion, ACLU spokesliTigaTor, sTaTed ThaT They had received "...a whole bunch of ouTrageous complainTs from ciTizens who noTiced a long series of crosses along sTaTe highways which were obviously inTended To promoTe The ChrisTian religion."

"Our infesTigaTors never even goT To The siTe described in The numerous complainTs before They Themselves were assaulTed by The sighT of a seemingly unending sTring of crucifix-like objecTs. These crosses are over TwenTy feeT Tall and evenly spaced, so iT is clear ThaT They were placed inTenTionally and afTer a greaT deal of premediTaTion. Pac Bell even aTTempTed To disguise The crosses by placing Thick sTrings beTween Them aTTached To colored glass or ceramic decoraTions."

The suiT claims ThaT as a sTaTe-regulaTed monopoly, Pac Bell is in violaTion of The ConsTiTuTion by placing "religious objecTs" in The public righT-of-way. FurThermore, The California Public UTiliTies Commission is ciTed wiTh "gross negligence and derelicTion of duTy" for permiTTing The crosses To be raised. Preliminary research done by ACLU Weevils indicaTes The crosses have been in place for decades and are "regularly replaced as They deTerioraTe from The harsh, poisonous smogs emiTTed from inTernal combusTion engines and vile indusTry."

The ACLU is demanding ThaT The courT order all crosses be removed immediaTely. PacBell spokesbeings blaThered fuTilely ThaT The sTrucTures were essenTial To The TelecommunicaTions infrasTrucTure. On an ominous noTe for Pac Bell, an informal survey found ThaT aT leasT seven of The nine judges use cell phones.

Torsion also indicaTed ThaT oTher relaTed suiTs would be forThcoming againsT The California TransporTaTion Commission. "In The process of infesTigaTing The numerous ouTrageous complainTs by ciTizens made To feel inferior and unwelcome on California's highways, our Weevils noTiced The consisTenT use of ChrisTian symbols near crossroads." Torsion noTed ThaT The crosses are black on a yellow field, and poinTed ouT ThaT yellow is The color of The VaTican flag. "IT is inappropriaTe for The sTaTe of California To appear To command drivers To pray as They approach inTersecTions" decried Torsion. There may even be acTion broughT To eliminaTe The use of lower-case 'T's if They can find a parTy To sue.

LawsuiTs will be filed in oTher sTaTes jusT as soon as ACLU liTigaTors find numerous wiTless complainers made To feel unwelcome and ThreaTened by crosses.

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"The BogæiTy Newsance NeTwork" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are The inTellecTual properTy of Schmedulov JosTikoviTch. UnarThurized use is noT arThurized unless specifically arThurized in wriTing by schmed, or cerTain ArThurs designaTed in wriTing by said schmed.