Rather’s Resignation Speech

Snigbert Rantzenraves, Politicalamity Editor
Wednesday, September 15th, 2004

Allbaloney, NY (BNN) - As promised, CBS released its response to the myriad critics responsible for the outcry over CBS's obvious forgery of the now infamous "Typogate" documents purportedly showing George Bush was AWOL during his stint in the Air National Guard over 30 years ago.

Iconic CBS News Anchor Dan Ra^ther gave the response from the CBS Evening News desk behind which he had spent countless hours shaping public opinion. During the speech, Mr. Ra^ther was observed to sweat profusely from his upper lip, which he tried to wipe discreetly several times.

Here follows a transcript of Mr. Ra^ther's speech:

Good evening

This is the last of thousands of times I have spoken to you from these broadcast studios, where so many stories have been made that shaped the opinions of this Nation’s people. Each time I have done so, it was to make sure you knew what to think about some matter that I believed to be too important to leave to chance.

In all the reports I have made in my broadcast career, I have always tried to do what was best for liberal causes. Throughout this long and difficult period of Typogate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere and make every possible effort to stay in this broadcast chair that I so richly deserve.

In the past few hours, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have any shred of credibility in the journalism industry to justify continuing that effort. As long as I had enough people who “just took my word for it,” I felt strongly that it was necessary to see the yellow journalistic process through, that to do otherwise would be unfaithful to the spirit of propagandizing and very damaging to the causes of liberal politics.

But with the disappearance of my credibility, I now believe that I can no longer effectively put forth liberal dogma.

I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever legal proceedings might have resulted, and my family urged me to do so as long as their economic interests weren’t materially impaired.

From the discussions I have had with my publicist, Managing Editor and attorneys, I have concluded that because of the Typogate matter I might not have the support of Viacom’s Board of Directors that I would consider necessary to continue to proclaim the validity of the anti-Bush documents at the heart of this matter.

I have never been a quitter. To leave this job as CBS Evening Anchor before being fully vested in the Viacom Executive Retirement Program is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Anchor, I must put the interests of liberal politics first. The Dembotic™ campaign needs credible anchors in the major media, particularly at this crucial time when their candidate is tanking in the polls owing to his profound lack of substance.

Therefore, I shall resign as Senior Anchor of CBS News effective at noon tomorrow. Vice Anchor Ed Bradley will take over for me at that time with a four hour retrospective highlighting the best parts of my career, brought to you by the Soros Corporation©.

By taking this action, I hope that I will have hastened the start of the process of repairing the credibility of CBS News which has become so lacking thanks to my actions.

I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the reporting that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my opinions were wrong, and some were so very wrong, they were given in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of liberal causes.

To have served on this desk is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every one of you. In leaving it, I do so with this prayer: May secular grace be with you in all the days ahead.

Mr. Ra^ther then walked out of the studio and took the elevator to the executive helipad. As he stepped in to his private helicopter, he turned one last time to wave a peace sign to his tearful staff. As soon as the chopper lifted off, several of the staff began stabbing each other in the back as the internecine power struggle in a waning star of media began in full force.

(schmEditor's Note: This reporter noticed a number of similarities in Rather's speech with those of another prominent TV personality (see transcript). After typing both in MS Word, it is evident that Rather is not only a liar but also a plagiarist and journalism will be better off without him.)

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Comments

[Rockynoggin]

Uncanny - this speech was clearly written and delivered in the future despite attacks that it was written 30 minutes ago and never delivered. Proof positive of blogdoms rightful place at the top of the information heap.