Wallis Buttclensch, OCD (novitiate)
BNN Sports
Windsdy, January 5, 2005
Undisclosed Carmelite Monastery – (BNN) Despite feuding publicly with Assaninnity Press executives over the role the sportswrithers' poll played in the selection process, the BCS atoned for its near criminal insult to the University of Southern California Trojans a year ago. At the conclusion of the FedUp Orangellobowl last night, USC Coach Pete Carroll finally got to hoist a Crystal ADT Trophy of his very own.
"We figured it was the least we could do after that foul-up" said Yubert Berfnutter, BCS senior vice president of Rectification Operations.
BCS officials had sought to rectify the 2003 outcome in which the Trojan's Sugar Bowl invitation was accidentally mailed to Oklahoma University. Further mortifying the BCS, last year's sacrificial university - who nobody ever heard of - beat OU, and their lame-duck coach usurped Carroll's place at the BCS ceremony. Operatives of the BCS worked long and hard with their counterparts at the AP all season to keep USC at the top of the polls.
Stated Berfnutter, "we couldn't completely control the coaches' votes, but they have so little time to study other games during the season that they base it off the AP anyway, and it worked out just right."
Bob Stupes, coach of the Oklahoma Boom-too-Sooners, hinted he and his team was sympathetic too. In his post-game comments, he repeatedly held his hands to his throat simulating a choking motion while winking at several AP sportswrithers.
To further underscore the point, Auburned coach Telly Tubbieville showed this writher a FedUp overnight receipt for shipping his AP Coach of the Year trophy, with his name covered by a "Pete Carroll" label, to the USC Headmaster.
The reconciliatory mood was contagious, prompting a halftime performer to make up for a recent faux pas, but it backfired.
In her attempt to prove she wasn't lip-syncing during the halftime show, pseudo-psinger Ashlee pSimpson used a taped track of her real voice blowing out her vocal chords during her "performance". The tape was revealed to the media by her father, USC Heisman Trophy Weiner and acquitted murderer O.J. pSimpson for an undisclosed sum funding FindNicolesMurdererdotOrg, his not-for-profit organization.
By dawn's light however, the atonement appeared incomplete as 3 AP voters inadvertently punched "Patrick Buchanan" on their official AP Poll voting cards instead of USC, thus denying the Trojans a fully unanimous championship.
Gracious to the end, Heisman Trophy recipient Matt Leinart™ donated the 3 votes to the United Nations' Tsunami Relief for Food program saying "we're not stingy like those Red Staters".
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