BNN

Kerry Proposes Iraqi Statehood

Houghton Skibütski, International Bureau
BNN Global
Wentstay, May 19, 2004

Pleasant Sunny Meadows, OH (BNN) - John F. Kerry, the presumptuous Democratic Presidential Nominee, recommended statehood as a means of making reparations with Iraq, reducing U.S. dependency on foreign oil and curbing the skyrocketing price of gasoline enough to tax it.

Speaking to a group of heavily medicated senior citizens, Senator Kerrie blamed the year-long invasion by President Bush for "sort of ripping away the leadership class of Iraq from her people, leaving a deepening void that can only be filled by the firm, loving tools of government."

Kerry also indicated that he would demand that the United States assume Iraq's role as a founding member of OPEC as part of the "first hundred days of a Carry Administration."

Kerry's plan would have the eighteen Iraqi muhafazat, or provinces, established as states as quickly as each can be organized politically. Terry McAwliffe and James Carville were named as advisors to the Democratic Iraqi Party (DIP) to assist in the identification and promotion of delegates for the required statehood actions. The backdrop for the podium of the presumptuous candidate was a United States Flag with 68 stars (see photo).

"I get the feeling they (the Iraqis) need some things to occupy their time more productively. By taking the focus away from the kinds of negative activities they're focusing on, like in Falluja and so on, we'll instead get them interested in their own future through the Democratic political process. You know, there's an awful lot of things to do to prepare for Statehood" Kerry posited.

The new states would retain their current cultural names: Al Anbar, Al Basrah, Al Muthanna, Al Qadisiyah, An Najaf, Arbil, As Sulaymaniyah, At Ta'mim, Babil, Baghdad, Dahuk, Dhi Qar, Diyala, Karbala', Maysan, Ninawa, Salah ad Din and Wasit. Members of the National Organization of Wymyn were tempted to object to "Dhi Qar" on grounds that it was phonetically repulsive but declined to comment when questioned by this reporter.

Network analysts quickly praised the statehood proposal because Kerry had proposed it. Concerns about "empire building" were emphatically dismissed by one Kerry staffer because "you can't have an empire without an emperor, and Senator Kerry is running for President, not emperor. DUH!."

An item downplayed in Kerry's plan was the effect on congressional apportionment. According to Marianne Berrie, a D.C. area civics teacher, Iraq's estimated population of 22.7 million citizens is "comparable to Texas, which has 30 representatives in Congress." Unless the self-imposed limit of 435 members was lifted, approximately that number would have to be re-apportioned from existing states to the new Iraqi states. But according to Berrie, the biggest impact would be in the Senate, "whose membership would be increased by 36% to 136, and the process of reallocating desk and office space would certainly be interesting."

Oil industry analysts had differing opinions as to the potential eligibility of the U.S. as a member of OPEC, however the general consensus was that other OPEC members would quickly vote to expel Iraq.

"What better way to spread democracy than to welcome those Iraqis whose lives George Bush ruined into the fold of middle-class American taxpayers who will get even better taxes when a Kerry administration repeals the draconian Bush tax cuts" propounded a nearly enthusiastic Kerry. "And when that is successful, we can invite another nation ravaged by the unjust war waged against it by a Republican president, a nation whose government I'm proud to say I assisted in achieving power 30 years ago, Vietnam."

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Easter Bunny Ousted by PANIC

Cravin K. Howard, Subordinate Assistant Junior Editor
BNN Bidniznewz
Friday, March 12, 2004

Madisonavenue, NYC (BNN) - The Easter Bunny has been targeted by a new marketing group for replacement. The People Advocating New Imaginary Characters (PANIC) presented their concept for a new seasonal figure, the BeasterBunny™.

Pollyanna DeRouenacion, spokesbeing for PANIC, stated "The BeasterBunny™ is more in touch with the edgy-ness of today's youth. The Easter Bunny, while cute, has virtually no new exploitable market potential for TV specials, movies, action figures and related product opportunities. Our mission is to maximize the economic impact of the holiday figures themselves."

At just over 6 feet tall and weighing in at 250 pounds, the BeasterBunny™ is not your grandfather's egg purveyor. He's outfitted in black wrap-around sunglasses, leather chaps and jacket, and cuts an infinitely more imposing figure than the traditional holiday rodent. Further accentuating the new image is his mode of transport: the BeasterBunny™ rides around on a custom-built, very large and very loud motorcycle. His annual mission? Not pastel eggs and luscious chocolates. He brings cigarettes and beer, violent video games, DVDs of adult-themed movies and music videos and coupons for tattoos and body-piercings. But not in frilly baskets, he puts them in the empty pizza boxes left out overnight by demanding children and young adults.

"He doesn't necessarily come on time either" said DeRouenacion. "You might be awakened early by the sound of the straight-pipes on his bike or his heavy leather boots clomping around. Or, you could come home late Sunday afternoon and see a large black puddle of crankcase oil in your driveway and you'll know he's been by."

To add to the mass marketing opportunity, the BeasterBunny™ has a companion - BeasterBunnette™ - who's every bit as striking, right down to the electrolysis-tattoos of serpents, death's heads and rabbits graphically "multiplying" they both sport on their backs and shoulders. "From her long multi-multi-pierced ears streaming out from under her leather beret to her thigh-high, platform boots, she is clearly the alternative role-model most parents are seeking for their daughters" offered DeRouenacion. "Oh, and they are most definitely not married - we need to point that out so her independence is clearly understood."

There was no mention of little Beasterlings™, but the fact that the term was trademarked by PANIC seemed to confirm an evolving product line.

DeRouenacion refused to comment on future character introductions, however word on the street is that PANIC had initially wanted to debut with a replacement for the Tooth Fairy. Test market and focus group subjects risked lawsuits for violating confidentiality agreements by informing BNN of the "Tooth Poof", an obviously gay character that failed miserably and put the entire operation behind. "The details - you just don't want to know" opined one anonymous participant. "The market isn't ready for this yet, but given the prurient content of today's reality shows, - they'll be able to dust it off in a few years."

Another rumor involved Satan Claus™ who would not be replacing the jolly old elf, but instead have his own 'holiday' on the Summer Solstice. The strategy would concede the traditional holiday season, but work to even out the retail sales trends by having a similar materialistic present-orgy off cycle. DeRouenacion again declined to comment.

So for now, make sure the kids have their biggest pizza boxes decorated (or not) and set out this Easter-eve to get their share of loot from the inaugural run of the BeasterBunny™!

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.