BNN

OutFoxing Bush: Mexican President Ready for Rita

H. Donny Dumas, Whether Bureau
Miercoles, September 21st, 2005

San Antonio, Mexas (BNN) - Hurricane Rita was upgraded to category 3 status overnight, but Mexican President Vicente Fox didn't lose any sleep over it.

The violent tropical system is projected to strengthen further into a catastrophic category 4 or 5 storm as it moves through the Gulf of New Orleans towards possible landfall on the northern Mexican coast by the weekend.

Just 4 weeks after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Mississippi Gulf Coast, BNN asked El Presidente why he was so relaxed. Through his interpreter, the Mexican Jefe derided the frantic preparations of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nay Gun and Louisiana Governess Kathleen Bobblehead Blancstare as poorly planned, reactionary steps. Even the massive military and financial response of George W. Bush, his American counterpart, was behind the curve.

From his suite of rooms in the San Antonio Marriot - ironically the "2nd tier" suites, since the evacuee owner of the NFL's New Antonio Saints, Tom Benson, already occupies the Presidential Suites - Fox snorted "All the Americans did was wait and see. This causes the troubles, for all that must be done is at the last minutes, and follows, the suffering."

Fox's superior planning is the key behind his cool demeanor in the face of what could be a monster hurricane.

"In preparation for this and many future disasters - hurricanes, volcanos, earthquakes - I have long ago ordered the Mexican people to evacuate. Many of our most talented peoples are now very safe in places like California, Colorado, Missouri and Nuevo Jersey."

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2005 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Jeanukerry Surprises

schmEditorial Note: Not to be outdone by the Sun King's fictitious fear mongering pronouncements about the Secret Plans© of the Bush Administration, BNN has consulted with reknowned psychic Schwami Schmedulov for the latest reading on Kerry's Dembotic™ January Agenda®.

At the risk of permanent brain damage, Schwami Schmedulov has forced his mental waves to the low frequencies of Jean Effing Kerry, Ted "Jabba-the-Pub" Kennedy, James Snarlville and the rest of the Dembotic™ campaign weavils in order to divine the following plans they have for the first 100 days of a Kerry Adventuration:

Reinstate the Military Draft for all citizens not on public assistance.

Distribute secondary medical remedies for the Bush-induced influenza epidemic: spoonfuls of castor oil or kerrysene. For a modest campaign contribution, John Edwards will lay hands on the sick.

Raise the income tax on those earning $25,000 to $200,000 per year to 44% (He actually decided against raising taxes before he decided to do it, and set the percentage to match his Presidential Number.)

Create tax credits for donations to Liberal Causes by remarried individuals administering multi-billion dollar estate trusts.

Establish Diplomatic Relations with al Qaeda to negotiate a peace settlement and the obligatory reparations.

Address the United Nations to apologize for delays in withdrawing from Iraq and announce a moratorium on any further investigation into the Oil for Palaces scandal Food program.

Go to Paris to repair the damaged relationship with France by waiting in Jacques ChIraq's outer office for several hours, only to be told the French President has no time this week after all, and that his people will call Kerry - "varry soon."

Convert to Islam to make a hadj to Mecca to improve relations with Arab Nations in the Middle East with Cat Stevens.

Sign an Executive Order renaming the Green Bay Packer's stadium "Lambert Field."

And now, having endured substantial mental and spiritual stress, the Schwami must rest.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

A Rather Fanciful Tale

schmEditor's Note: Today The Bogæity Newsance Network© departs from its normally staid reporting strictures to portray the sobering events of recent days in a way most American Victims of the Mainstream Media can understand. With that, BNN is proud to present the story of...

Little Dan Ra^therhood

Once upon a time in a huge industrialized land there lived an innocent, unbiased network anchor called Little Dan Ra^therhood because of the little woolen hood he liked to pull over the eyes of others.

One day Little Dan Ra^therhood decided to go through the wild political jungle to visit one of his many anonymous friends whom he called "Grandslamma." He took a little basket and packed a tape recorder, a video camera and a feminist producer to blame if things went awry and traipsed off through the jungle to Grandslamma's house.

Little Dan Ra^therhood was very excited because he knew Grandslamma had some very juicy tidbits to share and he wanted to bring every one of them back to spread to all the people of the Global Village who looked at things through his little woolen hood.

As Little Dan Ra^therhood approached the condo where Grandslamma lived, he didn't see a Wicked Blogger of the Pajamahadeen sneak into Grandslamma's condo, wrap him in his Homeland Security Duct Tape™ and trundle him into the closet. The Wicked Blogger put on Grandslamma's robe, slippers and Red Sox baseball cap and sat down between his PC and fax machine.

Little Dan Ra^therhood tapped at the door, and in his best modulated announcer's voice said "Grandslamma, this is Little Dan Ra^therhood come to visit and scoop up your juicy tidbits. May I come in?"

The Wicked Blogger spoke into a little microphone that made his voice all squeaky and fuzzy and said "Only after you give the password."

"Hah!" thought Little Dan Ra^therhood, "with security measures like this, I can call this source 'unimpeachable'!" Quick as a wink, Little Dan Ra^therhood replied "Fahrenheit 9/11!"

"Come in" said the Wicked Blogger in disguise, "but don't turn on the lights because I have a cold and I want to remain anonymous."

Little Dan Ra^therhood stepped inside and sat down across from the Wicked Blogger. "My, what bland fonts you have, Grandslamma" said Little Dan Ratherhood.

"All the better to type juicy tidbits with" said the Wicked Blogger with a crooked smile.

Little Dan Ra^therhood leaned a little closer and said "My, what inconsistently applied superscripts you have, Grandslamma."

"All the better to put in the juicy tidbits" said the Wicked Blogger with stale nacho breath.

Little Dan Ra^therhood leaned even closer and said "My, what bad carpal tunnel syndrome you have, Grandslamma."

"All from typing up your juicy tidbits" said the Wicked Blogger with a crazed look in his eye. Just then, the Wicked Blogger threw off the cap, robe and slippers to reveal his pajamas and cried "And my NEXT juicy tidbits are gonna ruin YOU, Little Dan Ra^therhood!" as he started a blog entry.

Suddenly, a sportsman crashed through the door wearing expensive Italian shoes, carrying a football inside a red woolen hood. The sportsman ran over to the Wicked Blogger and slashed him to pieces with a large, razor-sharp commemorative knife before he could click the "post" button.

The sportsman turned to the terrified Little Dan Ra^therhood and said "I know how you feel Little Dan Ra^therhood, I've been searching day and night for years to find the person that did all the bad stuff that got me in so much trouble."

"OH, THANK YOU O.J.!" cried Little Dan Ra^therhood and they opened the closet to release Grandslamma. Then they all hurried back to the studio to make deadline and lived hillary ever after.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Rather’s Resignation Speech

Snigbert Rantzenraves, Politicalamity Editor
Wednesday, September 15th, 2004

Allbaloney, NY (BNN) - As promised, CBS released its response to the myriad critics responsible for the outcry over CBS's obvious forgery of the now infamous "Typogate" documents purportedly showing George Bush was AWOL during his stint in the Air National Guard over 30 years ago.

Iconic CBS News Anchor Dan Ra^ther gave the response from the CBS Evening News desk behind which he had spent countless hours shaping public opinion. During the speech, Mr. Ra^ther was observed to sweat profusely from his upper lip, which he tried to wipe discreetly several times.

Here follows a transcript of Mr. Ra^ther's speech:

Good evening

This is the last of thousands of times I have spoken to you from these broadcast studios, where so many stories have been made that shaped the opinions of this Nation’s people. Each time I have done so, it was to make sure you knew what to think about some matter that I believed to be too important to leave to chance.

In all the reports I have made in my broadcast career, I have always tried to do what was best for liberal causes. Throughout this long and difficult period of Typogate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere and make every possible effort to stay in this broadcast chair that I so richly deserve.

In the past few hours, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have any shred of credibility in the journalism industry to justify continuing that effort. As long as I had enough people who “just took my word for it,” I felt strongly that it was necessary to see the yellow journalistic process through, that to do otherwise would be unfaithful to the spirit of propagandizing and very damaging to the causes of liberal politics.

But with the disappearance of my credibility, I now believe that I can no longer effectively put forth liberal dogma.

I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever legal proceedings might have resulted, and my family urged me to do so as long as their economic interests weren’t materially impaired.

From the discussions I have had with my publicist, Managing Editor and attorneys, I have concluded that because of the Typogate matter I might not have the support of Viacom’s Board of Directors that I would consider necessary to continue to proclaim the validity of the anti-Bush documents at the heart of this matter.

I have never been a quitter. To leave this job as CBS Evening Anchor before being fully vested in the Viacom Executive Retirement Program is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Anchor, I must put the interests of liberal politics first. The Dembotic™ campaign needs credible anchors in the major media, particularly at this crucial time when their candidate is tanking in the polls owing to his profound lack of substance.

Therefore, I shall resign as Senior Anchor of CBS News effective at noon tomorrow. Vice Anchor Ed Bradley will take over for me at that time with a four hour retrospective highlighting the best parts of my career, brought to you by the Soros Corporation©.

By taking this action, I hope that I will have hastened the start of the process of repairing the credibility of CBS News which has become so lacking thanks to my actions.

I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the reporting that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my opinions were wrong, and some were so very wrong, they were given in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of liberal causes.

To have served on this desk is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every one of you. In leaving it, I do so with this prayer: May secular grace be with you in all the days ahead.

Mr. Ra^ther then walked out of the studio and took the elevator to the executive helipad. As he stepped in to his private helicopter, he turned one last time to wave a peace sign to his tearful staff. As soon as the chopper lifted off, several of the staff began stabbing each other in the back as the internecine power struggle in a waning star of media began in full force.

(schmEditor's Note: This reporter noticed a number of similarities in Rather's speech with those of another prominent TV personality (see transcript). After typing both in MS Word, it is evident that Rather is not only a liar but also a plagiarist and journalism will be better off without him.)

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

CBS’s Rather: Bush Forged Military Records!

Snigbert Rantzenraves, Politicalamity Editor
Wednesday, September 10th , 2004

Quitman, NY (BNN) - In a follow-up piece to his earth-shaking revelation proving President Bush’s desertion from the Air National Guard, iconic CBS news anchor Dan Ra^ther will reveal that President Bush created fake documents found in his military personnel records.

Ra^ther stated that he had obtained the documents from Karl Rove and reported on them in Wednesday’s edition of Sixty Minuets as part of a sting operation. By releasing the obviously faked documents created in Microsoft Word ‘97™, Ra^ther has created a firestorm of controversy that spread from the internet back into the more traditional liberal media outlets. Now that public interest is piqued, CBS News is poised to gain significant ratings points with the story.

Rather than spoil his pending report, Ra^ther declined to provide any details other than it was going to “get Karl Rove ‘frog-marched’ out of the White House and land Bush in prison. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

AIR AMERICA LATEST VICTIM OF RIGHT-WING PROPAGANDA MACHINE

Conservative Radio Won’t Play Fair

Rockwell E. Naugen, Cornpone Bureau
Thursday June 24, 2004

New York City, New York State (NPR) – Air America Radio, the new national progressive entertainment talk radio network, announced today it will protest what it considers unfair competition by greedy conservative radio talk show hosts such as Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and the father of lies, Rush Limbaugh.

“Air America Radio is being squashed by fat-cat media kingpins who don’t want Americans to hear the truth,” said Evan Cohen, Chairman of Air America Radio. “We need fair play in radio, the kind of fair play that only the federal government can provide. That’s why we’re going to ask our supporters on Capital Hill to look into passing legislation to equal the marketing playing field.”

Air America is suggesting that lawmakers pass a bill that would require advertisers to pay the same for ads on all radio programs, eliminating eccentric notions such as “market share” and “demographics” in determining rates.

Comedian and best-selling author Al Franken, host of The O’Franken Factor will launch the campaign on his show. The Majority Report, hosted by comedian and progressive actress Janeane Garofalo and actor/director Sam Seder, will also urge listeners to join the fight for fairness.

“We’ve got a much better product than right-wing radio,” said Franken. “I mean, we’ve got some of the best talent in the entertainment business providing political analysis and commentary. What have they got? O’Reilly? He’s got a degree in history and spent most of his life as a journalist… BOORRRING! What does he know about politics that Janeane doesn’t know?”

Air America Radio's current line-up can be found at www.airamericaradio.com, and can be heard on the following stations for now:
New York: WLIB 1190 AM; Los Angeles: KBLA 1580 AM; Chicago: WNTD 950 AM; Portland, OR: KPOJ 620 AM; Inland Empire, CA: KCAA 1050 AM; Minneapolis/St. Paul: WMNN 1330 AM; XM Satellite Radio: Channel 167. Air America Radio recently announced new affiliations with KVT0 1400 AM and KVVN 1430 AM in the San Francisco Bay Area; KSQR 1240 AM in Sacramento, CA; WMTW 870 AM in Portland, ME; KBZC 1300 AM in Colorado Springs, CO; WJNO 1290 AM in West Palm Beach, FL; WTWK 1070 AM in Plattsburg, NY & Burlington, VT; and WKIZ 1500 AM in Key West, FL.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Kerry Blames Bush for Jobs Growth

Snigbert Rantzenraves, Politicalamity Editor
Friday April 2, 2004

Madizhail, WI (BNN) - John Effe Kerry, the presumptuous Democratic presidential nominee, spoke out against the Bush administration in light of employment figures released today by the U.S. Labor Department.

"Today we learned that 308,000 more American citizens lost much of their leisure time last month and are suffering a substantial reduction in their quality of life because they have to work to pay for this unjust war in Iraq started by the worst bunch of lying crooks I've ever seen. This is time they cannot spend with their families, volunteering to help others, worshipping in the church of their choice or shopping to boost our failing economy."

Market reaction to the news was swift. Major stock indices showed rapid double-digit increases and trading pushed bond prices down nearly two full points on the expectations that interest rates would soon rise from historic lows to meet industry's increased demand for capital.

Kerry noted the gloomy news from the financial community. "Wall Street has already spoken its fears of rampant inflation eroding the savings of millions of the poorest Americans while rich friends of George W. Bush can now buy Treasury Notes at depressed prices."

Kerry did not immediately confirm that the investment managers handling the Heinz family fortune of Mrs. Kerry were abstaining from taking advantage of the trading frenzy on political principle.

Kerry appeared to stumble dismounting the dais and was seen pushing one of his Secret Service agents to the floor. Many of those present overheard the Candiate berate him as a "clumsy m-----------r!" A Kerry campaign spokesbeing downplayed the incident by noting that the Senator had not yet fully recovered from recent shoulder surgery and was still coming down off his pain meds.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.