BNN

Local Media Fears for Safety; Won't Cover Saints

Rantz Mohammed, Legal & Compliance Dept.
Threatsday, N.O.vember 3rd, 2005

Baton Rouge, La. (BNN) - Members of the Louisiana media, citing safety concerns, announced they can no longer assign reporting staff to cover Saints games.

At least one reporter and cameraman were brutally attacked by New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson as he exited Tiger Stadium near the end of Sunday's game against the Miami Dolphins.

Benson may have been disgusted by his team's pathetic 21-6 showing against the 'Fins, coached by Baton Rouge's adopted son, Nick Saban.

"The guy's a menace" stated a shaken producer for WWL TV who begged to remain anonymous. "I'm scared he's gonna kill me if we keep covering the games. Benson's rich enough to be connected, so I'm afraid for my family too. They want me to quit the news business - what am I gonna do?"

Station Mangager Rupin Crappalait agreed. "I can't justify putting our people in harm's way for something as trivial as a sporting event. Making aspiring anchors stand in 120 mile-an-hour winds dodging lethal projectiles to report hurricanes is one thing, but this is ridiculous - there's lots stuff we can cover that's more interesting than the monotony of another lousy Saints game."

There will be no comment forthcoming from the Benson organization - mainly because the schmEditorial Bored of BNN can't afford the kind of insurance that covers the injury or death of its employees resulting from directed contact with a known psychopath.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2005 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

BCS Atones for 2003 Scandal

Wallis Buttclensch, OCD (novitiate)
BNN Sports
Windsdy, January 5, 2005

Undisclosed Carmelite Monastery – (BNN) Despite feuding publicly with Assaninnity Press executives over the role the sportswrithers' poll played in the selection process, the BCS atoned for its near criminal insult to the University of Southern California Trojans a year ago. At the conclusion of the FedUp Orangellobowl last night, USC Coach Pete Carroll finally got to hoist a Crystal ADT Trophy of his very own.

"We figured it was the least we could do after that foul-up" said Yubert Berfnutter, BCS senior vice president of Rectification Operations.

BCS officials had sought to rectify the 2003 outcome in which the Trojan's Sugar Bowl invitation was accidentally mailed to Oklahoma University. Further mortifying the BCS, last year's sacrificial university - who nobody ever heard of - beat OU, and their lame-duck coach usurped Carroll's place at the BCS ceremony. Operatives of the BCS worked long and hard with their counterparts at the AP all season to keep USC at the top of the polls.

Stated Berfnutter, "we couldn't completely control the coaches' votes, but they have so little time to study other games during the season that they base it off the AP anyway, and it worked out just right."

Bob Stupes, coach of the Oklahoma Boom-too-Sooners, hinted he and his team was sympathetic too. In his post-game comments, he repeatedly held his hands to his throat simulating a choking motion while winking at several AP sportswrithers.

To further underscore the point, Auburned coach Telly Tubbieville showed this writher a FedUp overnight receipt for shipping his AP Coach of the Year trophy, with his name covered by a "Pete Carroll" label, to the USC Headmaster.

The reconciliatory mood was contagious, prompting a halftime performer to make up for a recent faux pas, but it backfired.

In her attempt to prove she wasn't lip-syncing during the halftime show, pseudo-psinger Ashlee pSimpson used a taped track of her real voice blowing out her vocal chords during her "performance". The tape was revealed to the media by her father, USC Heisman Trophy Weiner and acquitted murderer O.J. pSimpson for an undisclosed sum funding FindNicolesMurdererdotOrg, his not-for-profit organization.

By dawn's light however, the atonement appeared incomplete as 3 AP voters inadvertently punched "Patrick Buchanan" on their official AP Poll voting cards instead of USC, thus denying the Trojans a fully unanimous championship.

Gracious to the end, Heisman Trophy recipient Matt Leinart™ donated the 3 votes to the United Nations' Tsunami Relief for Food program saying "we're not stingy like those Red Staters".

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2005 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Carroll: Not Denying Talk of Saban Succession

Wallis Buttclensch, Sr. Sportswrither
BNN Sports
Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Southern Californya – (BNN) University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll has yet to deny rumors that he will take over for Nick Saban at Louisiana State.

Speculation on Saban's successor was thought to be centered around a number of SEC coaches including Auburn's Tommy Tuberville and Houston Nutt of Arkansas. Tuberville has even traveled to Louisiana (ostensibly for the Sugar Bowl) and gone as far as flatly denying any interest and signing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with Auburn in order to distract the other applicants. Nutt is expected to tearfully appeal to his Arkansas roots, family and tradition within the next 24-48 hours.

Carroll has made no statement at all, which speaks volumes. "Clearly Pete is interested" stated LA Times sportswrither Aurora Turnstone. "We're all very upset that he's considering leaving before the Orange Bowl."

Feeding Trojan fears is that LSU hasn't even put Carroll on their official list of candidates. "It's really low-class on LSU's part because they're sneaking around and haven't even asked USC for permission to speak with Pete. They're also the ones who stole our BCS Trophy last year," opined the still bitter Turnstone.

Most Trojan fans are in denial and won't even acknowledge the possibility of a coaching vacancy. But local pharmacists are stocking up on anti-depressant medications based on the rash of overbooked mental health professionals in the area.

Other big name coaches that have yet to deny any interest in the LSU gig include Bob Stoops, Oklahoma; Mark Richt, Georgia; Steve Spurrious, the Other USC; Eddie Robinson, Grambling; Paul "Bear" Bryant, Alabama and Knute Rockne, Notre Dame.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Truck Maker Neglects "Care Instructions" Tag on Latest Model

M. Ali Hahtraud, Fuelish Bureau
Friday, September 17th, 2004

Wooliteville, IL (BNN) - Executives at International Truck and Engine were embarassed to announce that they had left crucial "care instructions" for washing their newest model of heavy truck, the Commercial Extreme Truck (CXT). In addition to all of its many features, it is the first vehicle produced by a domestic manufacturer that is "Dry Clean Only."

The first purchasers of the behemoth CXT promptly went mud-riding, had a great time and then headed for the nearest coin-operated RV wash.

"We dint even use no hot water" stated Bruno Wilson, "I just hosed 'er down good and she up and started shrinkin' on me!"

Randall Everhardt had a similar experience. "Damndest thing I ever saw. As soon as the water soaked in, that whole truck came down to about three-quarter size."

Even after its improper cleaning, the CXT still peers over its competition, the Hummer and Ford Excursion, at nine feet tall.

International officials noted that BMW had used the same dry-clean technology on what they now market as the Mini-Cooper. Bavarian Motor Works engineers discovered that prewashing the Corvette-sized sportscar greatly enhanced its appeal. The pre-shrink tactic does not, however, complement the über-truck at all.

"We learned too late that the care instruction tag was not added to the early production models resulting in the unfortunate de-sizing incidents which have been brought to our attention. Purchasers can rest assured that International Truck and Engine will replace the vehicles if desired."

Future sales will include proper care instructions on a Kevlar tag attached inside the rear fender seam and dealers will offer a desizing option under International's controlled conditions.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Loose Tiger Possible Mascot Progeny

Bill Bungalow, Exotic Dancing Species Correspondent
Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Fort Poke, Loweezyana (BNN) - United States Army officials acknowledged a search was underway to capture a young Bengal Tiger lurking on the grounds of their base in the western part of the state. From eyewitness descriptions, experts have estimated the big cat to be about a year old, perhaps tipping the scales at 100 pounds.

Dozens of soldiers and sheriff's deputies combed the undergrowth with orders to locate and track the animal so veterinarians could tranquilize it for safe capture.

Officials at Louisiana State University would not comment on the possible involvement of their iconic football mascot, Mike V, other than to confirm the fully-grown Bengal Tiger was secured in his housing on the Baton Rouge campus, over 160 miles away.

One athletic department official, speaking on condition of anonymity, acknowledged that during the LSU-Auburn football game in Baton Rouge two years ago Mike was AWOL and speculated the young fugitive could be the result of his brief excursion. "That Auburn tiger, she was a coy little thing, and sometimes I think Mike shoulda been named "Randy" he gets so frisky."

When asked if a 100 pound tiger posed a threat, BNN's source allowed that any Beavers visiting from out-of-state, like say Oregon, should stay indoors with the lights off and the curtains drawn.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

IOC: Did USA's Hamm Cheat for Gold?

Wallis Buttclensch, Sr. Sportswrither
BNN Sports
Thurdstay, August 19, 2004

Izthawerd, Greece – (BNN) The International Olympic Committee has begun a multi-pronged investigation into U.S. gymnast Paul Hamm's controversial gold medal performance in the Men's All-Around.

IOC Special Prosecutor François de Poodelle said that the main areas of inquiry were possible scoring irregularities, the use of banned substances and unsportsmanlike distraction of other competitors. "Because of zee heestoricallee close-ah margin of victory of 12 thouzandths of a point, we weel be looking-ah into recalculating zee judges scores-ah" barked de Poodelle. Some judges were confused by their complicated scoresheets which caused the Romanian judge to inadvertently give Pat Buchanan a 9.75 in the pommel horse.

"Wee alzo have reazon to beeleeve zhat Monsieur Hahm used a ban-ned substance-ah to aratafishiallee eenhance-ah heez buoyancee on zee rings, high-ah bar and zee parallel barz-ah." de Poodelle pointed out that IOC officials noted the unusual timbre of Hamm's voice during post-competition interviews and suspect he inhaled massive doses of helium.

"Anozher avenue eez zhat aftair hees clumsy pratfall on zee vault, Monsieur Hahm intentionallee cauz-ed zee other geemnasts to be distracted." de Poodelle has demanded to review all video and audio tapes made by media staff and spectators to determine if Hamm spoke in "a cartoon voice" directed at other gymnasts during their events causing miscues. Six competitors, including Korean runners-up, Dae Eun Kim and Tae Young Yang, China's Yang Wei, Japan's Isao Yoneda, and both Ioan Suciu and Marian Dragulescu of Romania's made key, isolated mistakes at crucial points on various apparatii after Hamm's botched landing nearly put him in the judges' laps.

"I am hearing 'follow the yellow brick road' like small frog, which my focus breaks and I make foo-foo" cried one distraught gymnast according to Michael Moore who was there making another of his signature documentaries. "This will expose the fictitious Olympic team of the Unilateralist States of Halliburton and the Olympics as a transparent ploy by the illegitimate Bush Administration to manipulate false patriotism for the 2004 election" shouted Moore as bits of goat cheese and baklava spewed from his fuzzy maw.

Hamm released a statement through his attorney stating that he had already submitted requested breath samples and had only inhaled secondary helium at a birthday party several years ago when the regulator broke on the balloon clown's gas canister.

While Dembotic™ candidate-for-president and winner of silver, bronze and three grape medals in the 1968 Vietnam Olympics Jean Effing Kerry blasted George Bush for using the Olympics to manipulate false patriotism for the 2004 election, Bush administration officials predictably declined to comment.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

AP Sportswriters Dispute Groundhog Poll

Gradient Isobar, Weatherbeater
BNN Environmental
Monday, February 2, 2004

South Pasadena - (BNN) "Winter is nearly over" announced ABC Sportscaster and voice of the PAC 10 Keith Jackson today with the results of the AP Sportswriters' Groundhog Day Poll. In the poll, 38 writers voted that "Spring is Just Around the Corner" while the remaining 27 cast ballots for "Six More Weeks of Winter."

This is in sharp contrast to the morning's earliest indicator - inveterate groundhog Phil of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. During the observance of the annual ritual this morning, Phil's shadow was ruled to have been seen by Phil, thus projecting six more weeks of the frigid conditions that have socked the northeast and much of the midwest for the past month.

"Nonsense" stated Jackson. "I'm seeing my own shadow because the sun is shining right over my shoulder! Besides, just one month ago today, temperatures were moderate enough to have one Grandaddy of a football game even further north than we are now."

The prognostication of the erstwhile Punxsutawnian groundhog was collaborated by a distant cousin, T-Boy the Cajun Groundhog. T-Boy is a nutria, a different breed of ground-dwelling mammal and lives at the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans, lending the additional diversity of geography to the predictive elements.

According to WWL Newsradio 870,

Officials at Audubon Zoo watched a Cajun groundhog (as) T-Boy the Cajun groundhog stepped out and saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter.

"T-Boy is so unlike all the other groundhogs because he sleeps in and he is never wrong."

Sarah Burnette with Audubon Zoo says T-Boy has been calling the forecast for the last 15 years and this year, in homage to the space program's recent work on Mars, he entitled Monday's event the "mission to marsh."

"Some might speculate that this is merely a popularity contest conducted to drum up excitement, a buzz you might say, but that's just a bunch of hooey" said Jackson.

Jackson discussed the conferences he had had with some other sportswriters as the poll was being conducted. "Ivan Maisel told me his corns felt pretty good when he woke up this morning and Trev Alberts was having his best hair day in recent memory - all signs of approaching springtime."

Associates of Phil and T-Boy stood by their respective rodential pronouncements Monday, shivering in frigid temps in Pennsylvania and braced against an incoming cold front in Bayou Country.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.