Here he is, the retired Colonel Reb in all his feebleness. Note the intimidating cane. Note also the jawline appearing to represent ill-fitting dentures if not the absence of any teeth, real or prosthetic. Note especially the pink complexion.
As most know by now, the Colonel was retired on account of the Mandatory Retirement Age act of 2003 which states that any icon of the War Between the States (Missississississississippian for the Civil War) attaining the age of 138 years must be removed from any active duties it may be performing as an Official Athletic Mascot of any State Funded University and sent away somewhere.
This left UM alumni, students, boosters and athletes with a dilemma: no visible mascot. The University attempted to get a new one in an unsuccessful, if not abortive "election" held last month which I was happy to satirize here.
They really did bail on the election for "lack of interest" a couple of days later, so they STILL don't have a mascot.
Well, I'm an LSU fan and alumnus and would like nothing better than to do my part to help a fellow SEC school out of its self-inflicted misery.
To UM AD Pete Boone: face it, not only is the Colonel old, feeble and silly looking in our modern age, but the concept of "Rebels" itself as it pertains to the soldiers of the Confederacy is, as Howard Dean was recently reminded, beyond passé and into the realm of unmitigated racism. This means that you've got to dump the whole shebang and start over.
Don't panic - the answer is right in front of you.
Go look in the Ole Miss Hall of Fame. I'll wait.
~Hey Fightin' Tigers,
Fight all the way...
Found No. 18, didn't you? Yep. You've got a cult of personality right there in the Mannings. Eli today, and his Pa yesterday. I figure they'll even be a third generation tossing pigskins before too long.
Not only do you have a living, legendary red-headed, side-armed slinger of a football hero, the modern entertainment empires developed (contemporaneous to said living legend) a readily recognizable modern icon. It's even red-headed and freckly and comes with it's own best-selling top-40 fight song!
So Pete, are you ready for your schools new Ole Misscot honoring the best Ole Miss player of all time?
Don't you see the resemblance? And all the cheerleaders could have their megaphones emblazoned with the names Reggie, Betty and Veronica, with some dork in a Jughead suit chasing after the drum major.
I can't wait to see your football team running out of the tunnel to the student body singing as one:
Awww Shuga Shuga
You are my candy, girl!
And you got me wantin' you!