New Mascot Overhaul for Ole Miss

Here he is, the retired Colonel Reb in all his feebleness. Note the intimidating cane. Note also the jawline appearing to represent ill-fitting dentures if not the absence of any teeth, real or prosthetic. Note especially the pink complexion.

As most know by now, the Colonel was retired on account of the Mandatory Retirement Age act of 2003 which states that any icon of the War Between the States (Missississississississippian for the Civil War) attaining the age of 138 years must be removed from any active duties it may be performing as an Official Athletic Mascot of any State Funded University and sent away somewhere.

This left UM alumni, students, boosters and athletes with a dilemma: no visible mascot. The University attempted to get a new one in an unsuccessful, if not abortive "election" held last month which I was happy to satirize here.

They really did bail on the election for "lack of interest" a couple of days later, so they STILL don't have a mascot.

Well, I'm an LSU fan and alumnus and would like nothing better than to do my part to help a fellow SEC school out of its self-inflicted misery.

To UM AD Pete Boone: face it, not only is the Colonel old, feeble and silly looking in our modern age, but the concept of "Rebels" itself as it pertains to the soldiers of the Confederacy is, as Howard Dean was recently reminded, beyond passé and into the realm of unmitigated racism. This means that you've got to dump the whole shebang and start over.

Don't panic - the answer is right in front of you.

Go look in the Ole Miss Hall of Fame. I'll wait.

~Hey Fightin' Tigers,
Fight all the way...

Back already?

Found No. 18, didn't you? Yep. You've got a cult of personality right there in the Mannings. Eli today, and his Pa yesterday. I figure they'll even be a third generation tossing pigskins before too long.

Not only do you have a living, legendary red-headed, side-armed slinger of a football hero, the modern entertainment empires developed (contemporaneous to said living legend) a readily recognizable modern icon. It's even red-headed and freckly and comes with it's own best-selling top-40 fight song!

So Pete, are you ready for your schools new Ole Misscot honoring the best Ole Miss player of all time?

Don't you see the resemblance? And all the cheerleaders could have their megaphones emblazoned with the names Reggie, Betty and Veronica, with some dork in a Jughead suit chasing after the drum major.

I can't wait to see your football team running out of the tunnel to the student body singing as one:

~Honey.
Awww Shuga Shuga
You are my candy, girl!
And you got me wantin' you!

Comments

[TigerGrrL]

That is the best mascot idea I have heard yet!!! It is especially appropriate since, when I watched the Old Miss/Auburn game this weekend, they would always show dear ole dad in the stands every time old miss scored a touchdown.

[schmed]

What struck me was the look on Ole Archie's face just after the final gun. Amid a number of joyous Ole Missyians celebrating exuberantly was Eli's pappy standing there for all the world like he was thinking: "LSU gonna beat the hayl out of us."

[CC]

They showed danged ole Archie more than they showed the danged ole football game.

[schmed]

In case anyone going to the game would like the lyrics of the New Ole Miss Fight Song, here they are (no guarantee that these are the actual lyrics, and I would suggest that liberal substitutions could be made to further lampoon Ole Miss):

Sugar Sugar
by
The Archies

Sugar, ah honey honey
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you.
Honey , ah sugar sugar
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you.

I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you
(I just can't believe it's true )
I just can't believe the one to love this feeling , too.
(I just can't believe it's true )

Ah sugar , ah honey honey
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you.
Ah honey , ah sugar sugar
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you.

When I kissed you, girl , I knew how sweet a kiss could be
(I know how sweet a kiss can be)
Like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me
(Pour your sweetness over me)

Sugar , pour a little sugar on it honey ,
Pour a little sugar on it baby

I'm gonna make your life so sweet , yeah yeah yeah
Pour a little sugar on it oh yeah
Pour a little sugar on it honey ,
Pour a little sugar on it baby

I'm gonna make your life so sweet , yeah yeah yeah
Pour a little sugar on it honey ,

Ah sugar , ah honey honey
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you.
Oh honey , honey , sugar sugar ..........
You are my candy girl ........

[OleMissFan!]

Uhhh, excuse yall... your just mad cuz ole miss had a 10 win season. We r tha [stuff] and the rebels will keep the colonel reb cuz he is tha [stuff] too. And all these people jumping up and down "RACISM" arent even black, most of them. They are just looking for a cause. I think yall are all ignorant and need to wake up, cuz the mannings are all great football players, and if you dont think so then check the records.. do some actual research instead of sitting around critizing other teams, ok!?
And we will continue to play dixie in our hearts, on our cell phone ringtones, in our homes, and display it where ever and whenever theres a game. We will fly our rebel flags high (outside campus or in the grove) and theres nothing any of you can do about it! Maybe it sounds redneck to you, but to me its pride. We dont go around trying to put down those [durn] lsu tigers, we know yall r good and yeh we lost, but we accept that. We also beat state and had a 10 win season which is pretty good if i do say so myself. If i were yall i wouldnt run my mouth down in Oxford. Keep your comeents to this stupid annonomous webpage so you dont get yourself in trouble ... ok?! if u have a problem -- wildcherry221@yahoo.com
oh, and by the way~ GO REBS!

**Forward, Rebels, march to fame,
Hit that line and win this game
We know that you'll fight it through,
For your colors red and blue.
Rah, rah, rah!
Rebels you are the Southland's pride,
Take that ball and hit your stride,
Don't stop till the victory's won
for your Ole Miss.
Fight, fight for your Ole Miss!**

[ed note: I said no profanity and I meant it.]

[dave]

So tell me, OleMissFan!, did you learn your spelling and grammar at Ole Miss?

Why are you bragging about beating State? The average Girl Scout troop would've easily beaten State last year.

[CC]

But dave, you forgot something.

GO TO HELL OLE MISS!

[schmed]

Good catch: GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!

Now that we have that obligation fulfilled...

I was gonna give him/her a pass on spelling, grammar, punctuation and paragraph construction because he/she made my point about the cult of personality on the Mannings.

Total championships won by a Manning at Ole Miss: Zero. Zip. Nada. (or, in Mississippianese: "They ain't none").
The Rebelles did win the Sugar Bowl under PawPaw Archie (against Arkansas after the 1969 season), but it didn't have the SEC Champ tie-in then.

Peyton's SEC ring with the UT on it is the only one they've gotten to date. A Manning may yet gain a Superbowl Championship (even a USL QB's gotten close), but for pete's sake, find someone else to worship.

The Mannings are .500 against LSU: Archie 2-1, Peyton 0-0 and Eli 1-2.

So I wonder, was it Billy Cannon's 89 yard TD in 1959, The One-Second Blues administered by Bert Jones in 1972 or some other tough bit of Purple and Gold corn pone that stuck so tightly in the craw of the Rebelle Nation?

I do admire his/her standing up for tradition on the mascot thing, but if I were to bet money, I'd put it on the Yankees to win again. The way things are going, the PC crowd will anoint various legal Shermans who will figuratively march to the sea in court to impose their will (establishing re-education camps along the way). They probably won't stop there either. After all, LSU claims to be named "Tigers" after a rifle company attached to a Confederate battalion. Once they dispense with the obvious political incorrectness, they'll march on against the secret, subliminal subconscious aspects of it.

[OleMissFan!]

Who do you people think you are? Better than everyone else i suppose? Because you have used the candid Mississippian stereotype. So ok you [darn] Yanks, lets get a stereotype for you. The typical New York tacky-accented, [very rude person]. Ole Miss is a great educational school and it has a great football team. Can you not deal with that? Do you have some under-lying insecurities going on to make you judge others and put others down? I think so, I think yall need to go see a docor about all this. I want to let you know that yall all can go to [hades]. This is bS... yall critizing another team and trying to sound sophisticated all at the same time. How very [lighthearted] (yes, very homosexual). You dont need to look at the statistics to see that the Mannings are good players. There is a whole team behind Payton, Eli, and formally Archie, its not just one guy. Look at the individual player. They are all awesome people and great players. So, GO TO [BLAZES] HATERS!!! GO REBELS!
[Sorry editor, but profanity does get a point across]

[Sorry commentor, but the Editor disagrees]

[CC]

Homophobia is really atyical of Mississippians. I know how rednecks love them homo-sectulls. Must be why they love the Mannings so damned much. I bet OleMissFan! here loves the Mannings in the prison-bitch sense. I wonder if he has to type the word "Manning" with one hand.

[dave]

OleMissFan, your spelling and grammar are a spectacular tribute to the fine academic institutions of the great state of Mississippi.

Now go get yourself another pinch of Skoal and crawl back under whatever broken down pickup truck you're working on and leave us alone, mmmkay?

[dave]

LOL... schmed, you've become a spambot magnet.

[chris]

BACK OFF YOU DAMNED OLD COON ASSES!!!!!!!!
GO REBS GO!!!!!! HOTTY TODDY MY BITCHES!!!!!

[dave]

"YOUR BITCHES" won the national championship last year. Remind me again what the Rebs won, other than the award for Best Falling Flat On His Candy Ass By A Prima Donna Quarterback.

[Will]

You rule! Ole Miss [REALLY STINKS a whole lot]!! Another loss for Ole [M]iss on September 4, 2004!

[schmEditor Note: One aspect of "ruling" is scratching out obscenity with our profanity claws.]