Jimmy Dean's pure pork sausage - yes, pig fat - can be the secret weapon against Islamonazi terrorists.
Events of last week, with terroristas plotting to use explosive liquid concoctions to bring down American airliners, had travelers worldwide pitching a variety of liquids including shampoo, toothpaste and deodorants before being allowed on the planes. Oddly, few Fwench passengers seemed inconvenienced.
No, I think pork products are the key to airline safety in the War on Terror. I think the TSA screeners should do like those people clogging the grocery aisles on Saturdays, cooking up bites of odd things for shoppers to try, and have a set of electric skillets frying up sausages - links, patties, smokies - and bacon for the voluntary consumption by those with boarding passes.
Why? Well, if you're an Islamokazie with explosives and a fanatical devotion to some loony Mullah to blow up the infidel, you need to understand the consequences of your actions. You may have been told that you'll float to paradise in the rivers of infidel blood, but you'll also be covered with the contents of the infidel stomach - pork: the forbidden white meat. That foul, unholy flesh will contaminate you so badly that you won't be allowed near paradise, and the spit of your 72 horny virgins will wash you into Gehenna, to be whacked on the head with the soles of shoes and all will point at you with their left hands.
I'm sure the first thing your psychotic Mullah is going to tell you is that your martyrdom will transcend the poison from the flesh and fat of the cloven-hooved beasts. Yeah. Tell me, how much do you trust this guy? He says martyrdom beats pig meat, but you don't see him touchin' it to prove it to you. He's also mighty quick to send you and your pals to play Shiite McGyver with all these creative and innovative ways to blow yourselves into little bitty pieces, but you don't see him waving so much as a firecracker at any infidels. Come to think of it, what makes him so high and mighty that his turban don't stink and you're so low your only hope to enlightenment is at the end of a fuse?
Well if swine flesh isn't as evil as the Prophet (Bless his Name) wrote down in his Holy Blog now that it becomes inconvenient to the nutbag with the dynamite belts, maybe the infidel aren't as bad as all that either.
So all you Terror Cell Patsies out there, beware. The next assignment you get will be in a crowd of people wearing little buttons proclaiming "I ate Shredded Swine Flesh" or "Belly full of Pork Fat" and you, my misguided friend, are taking your eternal chances.