Dumbidity

I'm Just Askin' - VI

A recent write-up on Krispy Kreme says that the glaze is off the... er, the bloom is off the rose on KKD's 4 year-old stock. With their price down about 10% in March, in spite of strong earnings announced a month ago, analysts are positing that it's because new stores aren't generating sales at the same rates.

They didn't get into a lot of speculation as to why that might be, other than noting that people aren't lining up for their grand openings like teeny-boppers for boy-band concert tickets any more.

Maybe the carb-free diet craze is to blame. I don't need to goon the nutrition page on their website to know that 2Ks don't qualify as lo-carb - any way you look at 'em. (And I can't look at 'em without eating 'em.)

If I was a stock market analyst, I might look into the participation rate in this carbohydrate awareness and avoidance program among Law Enforcement Personnel, an historically core market for doughnut producers.

But, since KKD stock is publicly traded, and since most municipal law-enforcement retirement systems are allowed to invest in publicly traded stocks as part of their long-term investment strategies, is it therefore, a conflict of interest for Officers and Deputies to neglect to consume Krispy Kreme doughnuts?

Alm Star

I'm sure you've heard their commercials, seen their ads, know someone who has it on their car or maybe even have it as a feature of your own vehicle: OnStar. I don't know what it adds to the sticker price, but the basic "safe & sound" program starts at $17 a month (outside calling minutes extra).

Their radio spots are interesting, a sort of "reality advertising." They play actual recorded conversations between subscribers and the saintly OnStar "Advisors" - and they change the vignettes often enough to minimize listener burnout. But they're still repetitive because they fall in the same general categories:

The Dumb Driver
DD: I stopped at a restaurant and flushed my car keys down the commode!
OSA: Awwww, that's too bad. We'll e-mail a new key right over. Be there in a jiffy.
DD: OH! (sob) I'm SO relieved. THANK YOU ONSTAR!

Common variations on Dumb Driver are locking the keys in the car - the really dramatic ones involve a little chid strapped inside - and getting a satellite to open the door for you. Another is a lady who can't find her car in the parking garage, so the Advisor gets the satellite to honk its horn and flash the lights. That's a little spooky when you think about it...

DD: I'm driving through a rough neighborhood, and my horn keeps honking and my doors won't stay locked! It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't attract the attention of all those crack dealers... OH! Now my liftgate is opening! MAKE IT CLOSE! THEY'RE COMING OVER!
OSA: I can't! I don't know how it works! Goodbye everybody!
(Wait, that's the Wizard unable to stop his balloon. If only he'd'a had OnStar...)

Harry the Hero
HtH: The car next to me just ran off the road when I leaned over to adjust the screen on my DVD player... they need an ambulance..."
OSA: I have you on Highway 43, is that correct?
9-1-1: We are teleporting a hospital there now.
HtH: I see it, THANK YOU ONSTAR!

They also had Altrustic Alice who was worried about a tree that fell across a road and Chester Lester who spotted a chid running around without parental guidance. I can't imagine what's next (yes I can too):

Barry Busybody: OnStar! Get me the ACLU!
OSA: The ACLU?
BB: Yes. I just saw a public school bus driver praying!
OSA: You did?
BB: Are you listening to me? When I pulled out in front of her, I could clearly see her saying "Jesus Christ" in front of all those children.

Mechanical Adventures
MA: My "check engine" light is flashing. What should I do?
OSA: Let me run a diagnostic on yor vee hick ull... Ma'am, yor trans mittens are about to recoil and yor blastenframmetz has a hole in it, so you need to go to the nearest dealer's ship.
MA: I'm on my way to Memphis, I don't know where to go...
OSA: No prollem. Just pull over and I'll fax a mechanic to yor low cation.
MA: OH, THANK YOU ONSTAR!

That's a pretty shrewd little move on their part - I bet the Dealerships love 'em. But I do wonder why we don't hear vignettes like this:

Minnie the Moocher: OnStar! My car won't start at all.
OSA: Do you have your OnStar account number?
MtM: Yes, it's 845...
OSA: Uh ma'am, do you see a little blue light on your dashboard?
MtM: Yes.
OSA: Do you see what it says?
MtM: Yes, "Deadbeat Interlock Activated" - why?
OSA: Because you're 3 months past due on your car loan, that's why.

I'm Just Askin' - IV

More often than not, when I go to call some business associate or contact using their business card for the phone number, I call their fax machine first. I'm about half-deaf in my phone ear from the digital screeches - it's got nothing to do with all those rock concerts I went to years back.

The other thing that causes me to foul up phone calls is misdialing. One thing I can say for it is that it gives me an opportunity to speak with interesting people with whom I might never have interacted otherwise. The reason for the frequent misdialing is simple - I became very proficient with a 10-key kakalata after they replaced my abacus early in my career.

WHY oh why are the numbers on the telephone an upside-down 10-key pad?

Who made this insane decision?

What kind of warped sense of humor did they have?

Funny Munny: Bus Tokens, Big Heads and Colors

Way back in 1999, when the first "State Quarter" came out - you know, the one with the horsie on it - I thought it looked like a bus token or some other such doubloon you might get at Upchuckie-Cheezits or Putt-Putt...

...(excuse me). I still think they look wierd, but they're fun, and what the heck, they're QUARTERS for pete's sake. The Quarter's about the lowest coin anybody gives a durn about (although, see where dimes score when you count out the change bucket) and they mint 'em by the ton to keep the vending machine people in bidniz.

(uh, schmed... where's this rant going and what's it got to do with that bodaciously monsterous mega-bill you're teasing us with?)

So, my attention-getting step worked. Patience, I'm gettin' to it.

Not long before they commenced to mint the goofy quarters, they changed the currency to foil the evildoers with the criminally capable color-scanning PC's. It wasn't so bad when they morphed ol' Benny Franklin into a desktop-sized portrait of your (perhaps illegitimate, Great-to-the-nth-power) PawPaw because I rarely, if ever, had/ve one in my possession. Same with Useless Sam Grant and the Fifty. (See below in which I ask a slightly different version of the infernal question: What's with leaving that relic on the currency when Ike was 10 times the general and 50 times the man??) Then they torqued it down to Jackson on the Yuppie-Food-Stamp, Hamilton on the Dix and honest Abe on the Sawbuck.

Monopoly money.

They left the Almighty $1 Bill alone because they know it has to be phased out so the politically-correct girlie-coin-dollars will catch on, and only Bevis and Buffcoat are stupid enough to counterfeit 'em. Now they're colorizing the money too - like King Ted the Turner did to Casablanca, It's a Wonderful Life and all those Shirley Temple movies.

Monopoly money, part II - coming to an Etienne, er... ATM near you.
And they hit in time for the Christmas spending season of 2k3.

About the $100,000 bill...

Before you get all excited and figure the major capital outlay for a high-tech printer and arrange plane tickets for you and some hootchie to Aruba, you really need to understand that:

A) These Gold Certificates were only used to settle accounts between Federal Reserve Banks for a few lonely years in the 1930's.

B) They were never circulated publicly, nor were they legal to possess.

C) You can't buy enough stuff at a convenience store to consume one (yet - the price of gassing up your Hummer could get you there) and the rocket-scientist trainee working as night-manager couldn't count out that much change anyway.

D) The image I copped from the Currency Exhibit on the Saffroncrisco Fed's website hasn't got near the intricate detail visible on the bills of that era from the well-crafted dies, paper and printing, so your output will look pretty at a distance (makes awsome wallpepper, doncha think?). Oddly enough, we used more colours on currency back then than now, so counter-rantually, the new money is actually a retro concept.

E) It's a picture of Woodrow Wilson, so you can make 'Woody' jokes and be glad it wasn't old persimmon-puss, Calvin Coolidge.

It's a RACKET!

My sweet, sainted grandmother used to frustrate over televised sports, probably because it rendered males inert and also prevented her from watching something she might find interesting. I think she was convinced that professional sports were contrived as a means of generating ill-gotten gains from the sloth of the many watching the frenzy of the few. Then again, she may have been an astute observer.

The final numbers aren't out yet, but it appears that the TV ratings for the Major Leagues' postseason this year are very high. Conventional wisdom has it that viewers have been attracted to watch to see if the two most "cursed" teams in professional baseball can break their respective hexes.

Last night, it was learned that the Curse of the Goat may have weakened in Chicago, but it wasn't broken. Enough said.

Tonight, we shall see if the Curse of the Bambino survives. If Granny's wisdom holds true, the Sox won't win either.

The powers-that-be (or as Granny might have called them, racketeers) in the Big Baseball Offices cannot fail to recognize the ratings bonanza (i.e. revenue) attributable to the Curse Watching demographic. They have to see that both of these curses are strategic capital assets in marketing the post-season. The paradox is that they must be exploited and conserved at the same time.

In racket scenario 1, the Red Sox lose - either tonight to the Yankees, or in Game 7 against the Marlins - and you can be sure that a cursed play or player a la Bill Buckner will factor in it.

In racket scenario 2, the Sox win against the Yankees and break the curse against the Marlins in Game 7 of the 2003 World Series. Considering Putz Rodrigues' obvious Deal with the Devil, it would be a nice touch for him to boot the play at the plate for a dramatic ending, thus shifting the curse to Miami. (Yeah, yeah, I know I'm reaching.)

In the event the Red Sox break the curse, the MLB marketing office can make hay while the sun shines and close the book on that strategic asset (while opening a new long-term asset in the Marlin's curse).

They would still have a potential drought-breaking series with the Cubs and the Chi-Sox, who also haven't won the WS since the early 20th century. The downside is that it saturates only one big TV market with a cross-town "El" Series, but if the Chi-Sox win (they don't have a curse, do they?), the Cubs are still America's Lovable Losers. (Baa-aaa!)

So don't be fooled. As Granny would've said, "It's a RACKET!"