Dumbidity

Adverse Atkins Carbophilia

The timing of this is near perfect. On May 6, the local paper announced that scientists at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Baton Rouge had a breakthrough in stem cell research in which fat cells were converted into bone tissue.

The humanitarian aspect of this will not go unheeded in a sensitive American society so attuned to the sufferings of mankind.

As I said, the timing is good, because the Atkins diet has about reached its peak and any day now, we're going to start seeing stories in the media about people who're suffering adverse reactions from long-term exposure to Dieticia Atkinsia.

Just watching some of these poor folks exhibiting their carbophobia (in a public place!) made me think of an iconic recipe to be included as the centerpiece of the Manifesto Carbophilia™:

The Carb PoBoy (Hoagus Carbohydratus Maximus)

1 loaf unsliced bread, any ethnic variety - approx. 12"x4"
1C mashed potatoes (instant varieties not recommended), seasoned to taste
2C cooked pasta, any variety
1C cooked white rice, long or short grain
Butter
Cheese (what was I thinking?)
Seasonings
Sprig parsley

Mix warm pasta and rice in a bowl with 2T butter and cheese, fold in mashed potatoes and set aside.
Core the loaf with a bread knife without puncturing the far end. Butter and eat core.
Fill a disposable pastry anointment pouch 1/2 full with pasta-rice-potato mix and cut opening slightly smaller than opening in loaf.
Roll pastry anointment pouch in a cylindrical fashion to permit the filling to easily reach the bottom/end of the hollow loaf. Refill pouch as necessary to stuff loaf to just overflowing.
Place sprig of parsley in protruding stuffing.

Serves 1

There are many ways to tweak this recipe for regional, ethnic or eclectic tastes. For example, a loaf of Italian bread could set a theme for garlic mashed potatoes, mozzarella or ricotta cheese and a dash of oregano.

Before long we'll be assured of a bountiful harvest of fat cells which can be used to fully satisfy domestical markets and exported to stem-cell deficient countries, possibly including spines to Frantz.

Dehamdration

It cannot be possible that I am still thirsty. I ate a fair amount of ham yesterday - not a great deal, and certainly not as much as I've eaten in the past on ham-intensive occasions, but I cannot get enough water in me, and my outs don't seem to be keeping pace with my ins.

I'm not even a great big ham fan, nor am I a major proponent of small hams. Hams look kinda weird. Even the ones that get baked with the criss-cross scoring and the pineapple rings nailed on with the cherried toothpicks look weird. Actually, those look especially weird - sort of like an overweight Christmas tree oonament that drips.

Ham does seem to be a fairly economical meat choice and it's supposedly full of 'B' vitamins and such. There isn't a lick of vitamin B12 in salt...

OK, the outs are catching back up. Seeya.

Positive Vibes - Chicken Gumbo for the Soul

Recently I perused the blog of a certain person, who shall remain nameless and who had blogged about some stubbornly dreary winter weather. I left a comment to the effect that they should partake of some chicken and sausage gumbo (with hot bread).

Well, come to find out, it was more than just winter drearies - mostly one big thing emboldening a whole bunch of little things to gang up and give a body that "I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more" sort of feeling.

Now I know chicken soup is supposed to be the classic, good-fer-what-ails-ya cure-all and wouldn't dream of contending otherwise. It's just that chicken gumbo has to be the Maximum Strength Chicken Soup™ if not the prescription version. It sure makes me feel good. Look how upbeat and positive Cajuns tend to be - they mainline the stuff.

If I could teleport savory gumbo (with hot bread), I would send it instead of flowers or greeting cards. Imagine coming home from a hard day, beaten down as it were, and you walk into the kitchen and there - right there in your very kitchen - is a big steaming pot of savory chicken and sausage gumbo (unless it's any of the next 4 Fridays, then it's seafood gumbo) - and hot bread from schmed.

Since my telekinetic powers are not yet capable of translocating several pounds of steaming gumbo in a pot (with hot bread); and since the FedExes and UPSs of the world are smarter than to try to carry perishable, near-boiling fluids; and since the fast-food chains that deliver do not market savory gumbo, you'll all have to settle for positive vibes.

If you're not of the opinion that you're in need of positive vibes just now, take a moment with me to form some up and cast them out.

Hey, you don't have to grunt so loud. Vibes are light and they go willingly - no need to strain.

Readin' it as it's Writ

[UPDATE: 12/23/2003 - WAFB confirms the ammonia leak story on its website, and includes a link to their video coverage. No mention of any pneumonia outbreaking. The Baton Rouge Advocate also reports the incident which resulted from criminals stealing anhydrous ammonia for use in a meth lab. How uplifting.]

This morning at about 6:28 a.m. Coordinated Cox Cable time, Pat Simonsez, the local talking head of WAFB's inanely repetitive morning show (9Spews This Morning) gets a breaking news bulletin and dutifully reads it to us.

What I heard him say was that there had just been a report of a pneumonia leak. I don't recall where in the local vicinity this might have occurred, but I was concentrating on what he said was leaking and waiting to see if my trick ears were up to their usual foolishness or what. Between the petro-chemical plants up and down the river and the tank trucks hauling stuff back and forth between 'em, these things can be important to know.

Nope - he said it again: "...a pneumonia leak..." and if he said it once, he said it three more times. I kept waiting to no avail for him to do that head jerk as the producer screamed "AMMONIA, you IDIOT!" in his earpiece.

Of course, the producer might be as big an idiot and wrote it down from some phone report as "pneumonia" for him to read on-air and is getting a new one chewed for him/her by the GIGO (garbage-in-garbage-out) News Regurgitator that is sure to be getting laughed at by friends, family and foes alike, not to mention the Station Mangler.

Now an ammonia leak is pretty serious stuff in its own right, but with the media scarin' us all half to death with stories about the shortage of flu vaccine and the (I'm serious now) deaths of two local young people from meningitis, it might pay to know if there is some pneumonia leaking out somewhere threatening passersby.

And I left for the jobsite before they could clarify *cough* precisely *hack* what was *croup-snark* leaking, so just maybe...