Dumbidity

Honoured Presents

Big news in the Giant Mug these days, especially for those of the femalian persuazion.

Gracie's beau recently morphed into a fiancé.

And he pegged out the romantometer doing it too. Fink. The whole thing was pretty darn classy and deserves a treatment of its own, but for now, I'll tell you, you never saw nor heard of as much flapdoodle as was had by a veritable gaggle of gals.

It has begun to sink in, and my Dear Sweet Wife and I come to new realizations every day which cause us to sink a bit more:

1. This sank in a long time ago - he's a very nice young man and we'll be proud to have him for a son-in-law. Having a nice relationship with his family is an appreciable bonus as well.
2. We're not going to be getting an empty room. Instead, we'll be establishing an environmentally controlled storage facility for large boxes of temporarily unusable household goods.
3. We (both sides) have an alarmingly high number of relatives living in close enough proximity that they'll all come to the festivities on the yet-to-be appointed date next summer. I'm lobbying for a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday afternoon.
4. We (both sides) also have an alarmingly high number of friends.
5. Very few members (and none, thankfully, of the blood kin) in subset 4 above appear on both sides.
6. I don't have nearly the propensity for ticking off family members and friends as I seem to think I have; therefore, an alarmingly high percentage of invitees are likely to show up next summer.
7. The betrotheds may need to secure a parade permit if they appoint any more Skippers and Kevins to stand in this deal.
8. I will not (do you hear me? WILL NOT!) be watching any wedding movies. I already regret having watched "Father of the Bride" - neither Spencer Tracy's nor Steve Martin's versions are the least bit funny any more.
9. More things will sink in as this progresses.

Of course, now that he's going to be fambly, I'll have to quit referring to him as a mere schmedlet associate and grant him the traditional "G" name conferred upon the closest members in my cast of characters. Hmmmmm...

Grant sounds pretty good, and it goes with Gracie rather nicely - in a "To Catch a Thief" sort of way. Even that's appropriate, considering he's taking one of my precious jewels away...

A Vengeful Plot

Not that I'm in any hurry, but when the time comes that my Dear Sweet Wife and I have grandschmedlets, we will visit them.

Oh, how we will visit them. And what shall we visit upon them?

Retribution.

After that euphoric rite known as the Greeting of the Grandchids, the first order of business will be to go into their kitchens, open the freezer and the refrigerator and leave both doors open. Then, I shall...

• lift the tops off of any pots on the stove and peer into any active ovens;
• invite the grandschmedlets outside and immediately encourage them to remove their shoes so as to cavort happily about in their socks - in the mud;
• leave the door wide open in order to better condition the air outdoors;
• turn on every light in every room;
• change the channel on their TVs (to some old movie) and slip the remote(s) in my pocket;
• reset the home page on their internet and reconfigure their desktop and screensaver;
• push their cordless and/or cell phones into the depths of their couches;
• tinker with the settings of their thermostats because I am too cold/hot.

Actually, my DSW won't let me do any of those things, mainly because while it's acceptable for teenragers (and those recently removed from teenragerhood) to do all that, it could get a middle-aged person committed.

Besides, if I do the muddy sock thing to Guido's chids, even on general principle, it'll really be punishing my Dear Sweet Daughter-In-Law (whosoever she may be), and she will clearly be doing the Lord's Work taking care of him - just as my DSW is doing with me.

Errrrrff.

Tease Your Children - I

(With apologies to CSNY...)

You, who have borne your fruit
Must have some loot
To pay for what you buy
For them. Deny yourself,
Your needs come last. Tell your life good-bye.

Tease your children well,
White lies you tell
Will open blind eyes.
And keep up with your schemes,
Your sneaky tricks, the scams that don't fly.

Won’t you give this trick a try?
If you do, you must be sly,
So just laugh and slap your thigh,
And hope they love you.

Here's a scam suitable for chids from about 8-12 years of age. It requires an automobile, a curvy road with a speed limit of at least 35 mph and two fully-functional eyes. It's also not a good idea to have maternal units aboard.

Your "mark" will be in the front seat, previously entertained marks in the rear seats are optional, but they can greatly enhance the experience.

Lock all the doors so your mark can't bail out.

Announce in a calmly assured voice that you know this road *so* well that you will now drive with your eyes closed.

Close your right eye tightly - the more you clamp it down, the easier it is to keep your left eye open.

Keep your left eye open. I don't think I can stress that enough. Failure to do so may lead to property damage, bodily injury and/or death. Your chids, spouse, mechanic and especially your insurance agent won't forgive you.

From their vantange point, they can't tell you have your left eye open - all they see is your tightly squinched right eye.

Stay within the stripes, but drive a little stiffly through the curves. Add helpful comments like "WHOAAAAH" and ask urgent questions like "which way? which way?". Feel free to ad lib your own exclamations based on your knowledge of the audience.

Depending on the gullibility of your mark, you may incorporate other effects such as making frantic steering motions with your hands without actually turning the wheel.

Note: If you're really convincing, they may succumb to the self-preservation instinct and attempt to grab the wheel themselves. Abort immediately.

Once the desired level of panic has been induced (or when they're thoroughly convinced you're COMPLETELY insane) you should let them in on it. After all, these are the people who will reduce you to liquid panic when you're their driving instructor in a few years. They'll have their eyes open, but you'll frequently have BOTH yours closed then.