Dumbidity

New Weapon in the WOT

Jimmy Dean's pure pork sausage - yes, pig fat - can be the secret weapon against Islamonazi terrorists.

Events of last week, with terroristas plotting to use explosive liquid concoctions to bring down American airliners, had travelers worldwide pitching a variety of liquids including shampoo, toothpaste and deodorants before being allowed on the planes. Oddly, few Fwench passengers seemed inconvenienced.

No, I think pork products are the key to airline safety in the War on Terror. I think the TSA screeners should do like those people clogging the grocery aisles on Saturdays, cooking up bites of odd things for shoppers to try, and have a set of electric skillets frying up sausages - links, patties, smokies - and bacon for the voluntary consumption by those with boarding passes.

Why? Well, if you're an Islamokazie with explosives and a fanatical devotion to some loony Mullah to blow up the infidel, you need to understand the consequences of your actions. You may have been told that you'll float to paradise in the rivers of infidel blood, but you'll also be covered with the contents of the infidel stomach - pork: the forbidden white meat. That foul, unholy flesh will contaminate you so badly that you won't be allowed near paradise, and the spit of your 72 horny virgins will wash you into Gehenna, to be whacked on the head with the soles of shoes and all will point at you with their left hands.

I'm sure the first thing your psychotic Mullah is going to tell you is that your martyrdom will transcend the poison from the flesh and fat of the cloven-hooved beasts. Yeah. Tell me, how much do you trust this guy? He says martyrdom beats pig meat, but you don't see him touchin' it to prove it to you. He's also mighty quick to send you and your pals to play Shiite McGyver with all these creative and innovative ways to blow yourselves into little bitty pieces, but you don't see him waving so much as a firecracker at any infidels. Come to think of it, what makes him so high and mighty that his turban don't stink and you're so low your only hope to enlightenment is at the end of a fuse?

Well if swine flesh isn't as evil as the Prophet (Bless his Name) wrote down in his Holy Blog now that it becomes inconvenient to the nutbag with the dynamite belts, maybe the infidel aren't as bad as all that either.

So all you Terror Cell Patsies out there, beware. The next assignment you get will be in a crowd of people wearing little buttons proclaiming "I ate Shredded Swine Flesh" or "Belly full of Pork Fat" and you, my misguided friend, are taking your eternal chances.

The Quotations of Chairman Hao - VI

The Fearless Chairman Hao again ventures courageously into the hostile lair of that sinister arachnid of the airwaves, Chris Matthews' Hardball. In this episode, the wicked Matthews spins treacherous webs in his feebile efforts to trap Chairman Hao with questions about so-called "executive privilege" related to Supreme Court nominations.

MATTHEWS: Do you believe that the president can claim executive privilege?

But the Beloved Leader of the blue-book waving Dembots™ is entirely too nimble in his mental tactics.

• At times, one must baffle one's adversary with unseemly discourse.
  "Well, certainly the president can claim executive privilege.  But in the this case, I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called.

(emphasis schmed's)

Even the Sheehanite sect of the Dembotic™ party dances gleefully in front of their television sets as their Supreme Leader deploys his profound strategy, while their Republican opponents abjectly sit - no longer wondering why Dean gets away with using Burgess Meredith outtakes in political interviews on Softball.

(schmeditorial note: Reference this entry for background on the teachings of the Enlightened Hao Tse Dean, Chairman of the Peoples' Dembotic™ National Committee.)

The Quotations of Chairman Hao - V

Chairman Hao returns to teach the masses after completing a joint fellowship at the Mike Tyson Institute of Tactical Diplomacy™ with Madame Jiang-Qing Clin Ton.

He allows his apt comrade to present...

• Do not fear hypocrisy. Wield it unrelentingly and it will supplant even the truth itself.
  "There has never been an administration, I don't think in our history, more intent on consolidating and abusing power to further their own agenda."

As the masses begin to rave and drool, the Chairman levitates the crowd with exquisite prattle:

• The round hole allows not the square peg to pass, nor shall the square hole suffer the round peg, yet all are pretty.
  "... the Republicans are not very friendly to different kinds of people. They're a pretty monolithic party. Pretty much, they all behave the same, and they all look the same. ... It's pretty much a white Christian party."

(emphasis schmed's)

And he closes with a final, benedictive pronouncement:

• Facts may be willed into existence.
  "(Republicans) never made an honest living in their lives."

There is no round that is rounder than that o'erwound sound bounder, the Revered Chairman Hao.

(schmeditorial note: Reference this entry for background on the teachings of the Enlightened Hao Tse Dean, Chairman of the Peoples' Dembotic™ National Committee.)

The Quotations of Chairman Hao - IV

(schmeditorial note: Reference this entry for background on the teachings of the Enlightened Hao Tse Dean, Chairman of the Peoples' Dembotic™ National Committee.)

More evidence of the mystical luminence of Howard Dean as he leads the teeming hordes into the 2006 Congressional election cycle:

• The enemy of the enemy is just like us.
  "A victory for (Vermont Independent Congressman) Bernie Sanders is a win for Democrats."

For him to advocate the candidacy of a non-Dembot™ to replace Vermont's non-Dembotic™ Senator (the ideological similarity of the independent-socialist candidate to that of the Chairman notwithstanding) represents a truly ascendent luminosity many Dembots™ will have difficulty grasping.

Even so, Chairman Hao will forgive them for their ignorance.

The Quotations of Chairman Hao - III

(schmeditorial note: Reference this entry for background on the teachings of the Enlightened Hao Tse Dean, Chairman of the Peoples' Dembotic™ National Committee.)

While the following wads of enlightenment from the Grate Chairman are well over a week old, one must recall that true wisdom survives all time.

• Do not underestimate the usefulness and power of the dead.
  "We're going to use Terri Schiavo later on."

Yes, in addition to his profound intellectual powers, exemplary self-discipline and fundraising, The Esteemed Illuminator is also skilled in the ways of Necromancy. It may be that he learned this art at the elbow of Edward "Jabba-the-Pub" Kennedy, who himself has both exploited the dead (insert name of any of various Kennedy family members here) and been shielded from them (insert name of Mary Jo Kopechne here).

And as the minds of the enthralled reeled, The Eminent Enthraller belted out yet more profundity:

• Do not burden oneself with the high standards of others in the face of life-or-death matters.
  "Are we going to live in a theocracy where the highest powers tell us what to do? Or are we going to be allowed to consult our own high powers when we make very difficult decisions?"

Truly, The Enlightened One can tell the petitioners which of the myriad "high powers" are to be consulted for any matters of consequence; such is the value of moral equivalence to the Peoples' Dembotic™ National Committee.

The Quotations of Chairman Hao - II

(schmeditorial note: Reference this entry for background on the teachings of the Enlightened Hao Tse Dean, Chairman of the Peoples' Dembotic™ National Committee.)

The Cultural Rotation of Chairman Hao continues with yet another entry into his Little Blue Book:

• Characterize the opposition in simple terms.
  • "This is a struggle of good and evil. And we're the good."

The author of the article, Joel Mathis, phrased the above in the context of the Chairman providing "red meat" to an enthusiastic crowd. He must be chastised for confusing the chromatology. Clearly the Chairman provides only blue meat, for by his teachings, red meat is inherently evil.

The Little Blue Books of Chairman Hao

Now that Chairman Hao Tse Dean has consolidated his grip on the Peoples' Democratic National Committee, it's clear that he's working on his manifesto. While not having seen a copy with my own eyes, I can only relate some of what clearly must be in it:

• Always speak in absolutes.
  • "I hate the Republicans and everything they stand for, but I admire their discipline and their organization."


• Speak hopefully of peace.
  • “We won't always have the strongest military."


• Embrace minority cultures and laud their accomplishments.
  • "You think the Republican National Committee could get this many people of color in a single room? Only if they had the hotel staff in here."


• Maintain a composure consistent with the inner tranquility of one's mind.
  • YEEAAAAAARRRRRGH!

Soon we will be seeing Faithful Dembots™ at rallies everywhere holding up little blue booklets entitled "The Quotations and Teachings from the Philosophy of Hao Tse Dean" to show exactly how Faithful and Dembotic™ they are.

I expect more quotations and teachings from Chairman Hao will emanate from traditional sources. I urge those of blogatious means, especially those with capabilities of creative visualities, to help dogument his dogma and illustrate this increasingly complex philosophy so that we may better understand and thus be enlightened.

Senator Kennedy Calls for Timeline

You may have noticed that Edward "Jabba-the-Pub" Kennedy, D-Mass., is frequently in the news these days calling for a "timeline."

Just in case you're put upon by the Honorable Senator Jabba, here's what you do:

In a large (16 oz) shaker, pour

• 4 oz 86 proof bourbon
• 4 oz 80 proof scotch
• 2 oz 190 proof "crystal clear"
• Irish whiskey to taste (approx 2 oz)

Fill with ice and very quickly strain into two 8 oz tumblers. Garnish with ladies underwear and serve immediately. Make sure you set BOTH of them where he can see 'em, and don't be surprised if he knocks one over reaching for what he'll call "the first quarter."

Note the recipe for a "Timeline" is similar to a double Kopechne, another Kennedy fave. Just remember to hold the clam juice.

Peggy's Back

Peggy Noonan is back from her leave-of-absence from writing for Opinionjournal.com to work in the GOP campaign.

I saw her on TV (FOX) last night and she gave us a preview of her online post-election piece. It's worth savoring.

As we get more analysis of the 2004 vote, I think we're going to find that the game wasn't as close as the score indicated. Not only did Bush maintain his red-state/blue-state support in the south and flyover country, the map of counties is even "Bushier" (redder) than 2000.

Factor out the overt bias of the media - to which their members attributed 15 percentage points to Kerry, the egregious anti-Bush propaganda of Michael Moore and his ill ilk, and the last-minute-but-18-month-old "Plastiquegate", and the Bush win was Huge.

Factor in the GOP gains in both houses of congress, the strong message sent to the Obstructionista Dembots™ in Congress via Daschle's ignominious ouster, and you might wonder if Nancy Lugosi Pelosi's gonna keep her lofty House Minionity Leader post. And how long do you think Terry "0-for-Ever" McAwful will remain Lord of the Dembots™ with Hellary in the 2008 wings?

Huge.

Peggy also pays tribute to the pajamahadin, though not by that name, in her assessment of the biggest loser...

Who was the biggest loser of the 2004 election? It is easy to say Mr. Kerry: he was a poor candidate with a poor campaign. But I do think the biggest loser was the mainstream media, the famous MSM, the initials that became popular in this election cycle. Every time the big networks and big broadsheet national newspapers tried to pull off a bit of pro-liberal mischief--CBS and the fabricated Bush National Guard documents, the New York Times and bombgate, CBS's "60 Minutes" attempting to coordinate the breaking of bombgate on the Sunday before the election--the yeomen of the blogosphere and AM radio and the Internet took them down. It was to me a great historical development in the history of politics in America. It was Agincourt. It was the yeomen of King Harry taking down the French aristocracy with new technology and rough guts. God bless the pajama-clad yeomen of America. Some day, when America is hit again, and lines go down, and media are hard to get, these bloggers and site runners and independent Internetters of all sorts will find a way to file, and get their word out, and it will be part of the saving of our country.

I'm savorin'.

Game Day 2004

It's finally Decision Day 2004 and we get to vote.

I felt like I did before football games in elementary school - like I was gonna hoo-haw into my helmet.

My Dear Sweet Wife got there shortly after 0600 and bailed about the time I arrived at 0615, vowing to return this afternoon.

It took me about an hour, which includes 10 minutes of standing in the wrong precinct's line (with many others) because the pollwirkers thought we could read the signs inside the gym from out in the parking lot. I'm not sure if that qualifies as an attempt to suppress my vote, so it probably does and there was no U.N. Bluecap available to whom I could whine.

Gracie and Gladys hounded me relentlessly to advise them on the Constipational Amenmantz, the first 3 of which are unnecessary IMHO, and the 4th is clearly designed to tempt public officials into risking indictment with an irresistable, constitutionally dedicated slush-fund.

I'm wearing a blue, rubber wristband with Bush-Cheney 04 on it that Gladys got for me. It's like Lance's yellow "Live Strong" thingy, and I call it a "Live Right" band.

I don't think I'm going to watch any returns tonight because I have simply HAD IT. The whole thing has turned toxic, primarily thanks to the Excess of Wevils in the media who're covering it. I'm likely to pop a DVD in the box and see the headlines tomorrow moaning.

The Futile Forecast:

Bush wins by enough to convince Kerry to Koncede. Gore sues anyway.

David Vitter misses the 50% plus 1 required to become the first Republican US Senator from Louisiana since Reconstruction by a cemetary's worth of N'Arlins zombie votes. Chris John keeps the Dembotic™ streak alive for another 6 years in the December runoff using the usual and customary voter manipulation techniques.

Tom Daschle keeps his Senate seat in SD thanks to that one picture of him hugging Bush after 9/11 (and several thousand disputable Native American votes). He does not retain his position of Senate Minority Leader.

The U.N. Observers denounce the election as a fraudulent sham. The UnSecurity Council votes 13-0 for sanctions against the Dictatorial Bush Regime. Vetos by the USA and Great Britain are disallowed because of those countries' egregious corruption as evidenced by the Oil-for-Food investigation.

Oh yeah, and Hellary's running for President and the good news is that there are only 1,462 campaigning days until Decision 2008!.