BNN

Local Media Fears for Safety; Won't Cover Saints

Rantz Mohammed, Legal & Compliance Dept.
Threatsday, N.O.vember 3rd, 2005

Baton Rouge, La. (BNN) - Members of the Louisiana media, citing safety concerns, announced they can no longer assign reporting staff to cover Saints games.

At least one reporter and cameraman were brutally attacked by New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson as he exited Tiger Stadium near the end of Sunday's game against the Miami Dolphins.

Benson may have been disgusted by his team's pathetic 21-6 showing against the 'Fins, coached by Baton Rouge's adopted son, Nick Saban.

"The guy's a menace" stated a shaken producer for WWL TV who begged to remain anonymous. "I'm scared he's gonna kill me if we keep covering the games. Benson's rich enough to be connected, so I'm afraid for my family too. They want me to quit the news business - what am I gonna do?"

Station Mangager Rupin Crappalait agreed. "I can't justify putting our people in harm's way for something as trivial as a sporting event. Making aspiring anchors stand in 120 mile-an-hour winds dodging lethal projectiles to report hurricanes is one thing, but this is ridiculous - there's lots stuff we can cover that's more interesting than the monotony of another lousy Saints game."

There will be no comment forthcoming from the Benson organization - mainly because the schmEditorial Bored of BNN can't afford the kind of insurance that covers the injury or death of its employees resulting from directed contact with a known psychopath.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2005 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

OutFoxing Bush: Mexican President Ready for Rita

H. Donny Dumas, Whether Bureau
Miercoles, September 21st, 2005

San Antonio, Mexas (BNN) - Hurricane Rita was upgraded to category 3 status overnight, but Mexican President Vicente Fox didn't lose any sleep over it.

The violent tropical system is projected to strengthen further into a catastrophic category 4 or 5 storm as it moves through the Gulf of New Orleans towards possible landfall on the northern Mexican coast by the weekend.

Just 4 weeks after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Mississippi Gulf Coast, BNN asked El Presidente why he was so relaxed. Through his interpreter, the Mexican Jefe derided the frantic preparations of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nay Gun and Louisiana Governess Kathleen Bobblehead Blancstare as poorly planned, reactionary steps. Even the massive military and financial response of George W. Bush, his American counterpart, was behind the curve.

From his suite of rooms in the San Antonio Marriot - ironically the "2nd tier" suites, since the evacuee owner of the NFL's New Antonio Saints, Tom Benson, already occupies the Presidential Suites - Fox snorted "All the Americans did was wait and see. This causes the troubles, for all that must be done is at the last minutes, and follows, the suffering."

Fox's superior planning is the key behind his cool demeanor in the face of what could be a monster hurricane.

"In preparation for this and many future disasters - hurricanes, volcanos, earthquakes - I have long ago ordered the Mexican people to evacuate. Many of our most talented peoples are now very safe in places like California, Colorado, Missouri and Nuevo Jersey."

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2005 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

BCS Atones for 2003 Scandal

Wallis Buttclensch, OCD (novitiate)
BNN Sports
Windsdy, January 5, 2005

Undisclosed Carmelite Monastery – (BNN) Despite feuding publicly with Assaninnity Press executives over the role the sportswrithers' poll played in the selection process, the BCS atoned for its near criminal insult to the University of Southern California Trojans a year ago. At the conclusion of the FedUp Orangellobowl last night, USC Coach Pete Carroll finally got to hoist a Crystal ADT Trophy of his very own.

"We figured it was the least we could do after that foul-up" said Yubert Berfnutter, BCS senior vice president of Rectification Operations.

BCS officials had sought to rectify the 2003 outcome in which the Trojan's Sugar Bowl invitation was accidentally mailed to Oklahoma University. Further mortifying the BCS, last year's sacrificial university - who nobody ever heard of - beat OU, and their lame-duck coach usurped Carroll's place at the BCS ceremony. Operatives of the BCS worked long and hard with their counterparts at the AP all season to keep USC at the top of the polls.

Stated Berfnutter, "we couldn't completely control the coaches' votes, but they have so little time to study other games during the season that they base it off the AP anyway, and it worked out just right."

Bob Stupes, coach of the Oklahoma Boom-too-Sooners, hinted he and his team was sympathetic too. In his post-game comments, he repeatedly held his hands to his throat simulating a choking motion while winking at several AP sportswrithers.

To further underscore the point, Auburned coach Telly Tubbieville showed this writher a FedUp overnight receipt for shipping his AP Coach of the Year trophy, with his name covered by a "Pete Carroll" label, to the USC Headmaster.

The reconciliatory mood was contagious, prompting a halftime performer to make up for a recent faux pas, but it backfired.

In her attempt to prove she wasn't lip-syncing during the halftime show, pseudo-psinger Ashlee pSimpson used a taped track of her real voice blowing out her vocal chords during her "performance". The tape was revealed to the media by her father, USC Heisman Trophy Weiner and acquitted murderer O.J. pSimpson for an undisclosed sum funding FindNicolesMurdererdotOrg, his not-for-profit organization.

By dawn's light however, the atonement appeared incomplete as 3 AP voters inadvertently punched "Patrick Buchanan" on their official AP Poll voting cards instead of USC, thus denying the Trojans a fully unanimous championship.

Gracious to the end, Heisman Trophy recipient Matt Leinart™ donated the 3 votes to the United Nations' Tsunami Relief for Food program saying "we're not stingy like those Red Staters".

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2005 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Carroll: Not Denying Talk of Saban Succession

Wallis Buttclensch, Sr. Sportswrither
BNN Sports
Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Southern Californya – (BNN) University of Southern California head football coach Pete Carroll has yet to deny rumors that he will take over for Nick Saban at Louisiana State.

Speculation on Saban's successor was thought to be centered around a number of SEC coaches including Auburn's Tommy Tuberville and Houston Nutt of Arkansas. Tuberville has even traveled to Louisiana (ostensibly for the Sugar Bowl) and gone as far as flatly denying any interest and signing a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract with Auburn in order to distract the other applicants. Nutt is expected to tearfully appeal to his Arkansas roots, family and tradition within the next 24-48 hours.

Carroll has made no statement at all, which speaks volumes. "Clearly Pete is interested" stated LA Times sportswrither Aurora Turnstone. "We're all very upset that he's considering leaving before the Orange Bowl."

Feeding Trojan fears is that LSU hasn't even put Carroll on their official list of candidates. "It's really low-class on LSU's part because they're sneaking around and haven't even asked USC for permission to speak with Pete. They're also the ones who stole our BCS Trophy last year," opined the still bitter Turnstone.

Most Trojan fans are in denial and won't even acknowledge the possibility of a coaching vacancy. But local pharmacists are stocking up on anti-depressant medications based on the rash of overbooked mental health professionals in the area.

Other big name coaches that have yet to deny any interest in the LSU gig include Bob Stoops, Oklahoma; Mark Richt, Georgia; Steve Spurrious, the Other USC; Eddie Robinson, Grambling; Paul "Bear" Bryant, Alabama and Knute Rockne, Notre Dame.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Cal Alumni to BCS: We Shall Overcome

Wallis Buttclensch, Sr. Sportswrither
BNN Sports
Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Berserkley, CA – (BNN)  University of California head football coach Jeff Tedford may have put the Bears' exile from the Bowl Championship Series behind him, but the Cal alumni haven't. In typical west-coast campus radical fashion, they're planning protest and civil disobedient events at the Rose Bowl.

Using the most modern technological means available, one revolting alumn has thrown down the gauntlet at the Texas Longhorns through a college football forum or "blog" at Fanblogs.com.

As stated in his online message, the alumnus known as New BAMN exhorts "fellow Cal fans, esteemed alumni, and rabid students" to "Gather at the gates to Rose Bowl grounds (sic) early New Year's day, and ... form a protest the likes that Southern California has never seen."

Much like the exit polls in the recent Presidential election, the late season BCS rankings went down to the wire leaning one way but turned, in both instances, against the Berkelely blue-staters. Most indications had been that Cal would go to the Rose Bowl instead of PAC 10 champs USC who were destined for the Orange. Blaming AP and ESPN/USA Today voters for shifting support to Texas after UT coach Mack Brown's campaign speech, the Cal crowd became Bears loaded for Longhorns.

In his online screed, New BAMN rallies the diverse alumni base to the cause:

(W)e were dealt a massive injustice ... that impacts upon all of us - from the freshman to the oldest alumnus, the left wing radical to the conservative right, (sic) straights and gays, men and women and womyn. Our heritage demands that we don't take this lying down.

And what a cause it is.

The only way to send a solid message to the BCS is in pure Berkeley tradition: by protesting... We will prevent Texas from entering the Rose Bowl, by any means necessary!

No official comment on the pending protest was available from the Texas athletic department, however several students pointed out that online wags had the Cal demonstrators on the short end of 50:1 odds against the burnt orange faithful.

"Doesn't seem like those folks out there ever saw longhorns stampede before" surmised Lonnie Bannon Jr., a third year petroleum engineering major. "I reckon they'll get sensible and act right neighborly once they see as how we intend to watch the game we paid to see."

And if they don't?

"Wellsir, I suppose they'll know a little more about Texans in 2005 than they did in 2004 then won't they?"

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Jeanukerry Surprises

schmEditorial Note: Not to be outdone by the Sun King's fictitious fear mongering pronouncements about the Secret Plans© of the Bush Administration, BNN has consulted with reknowned psychic Schwami Schmedulov for the latest reading on Kerry's Dembotic™ January Agenda®.

At the risk of permanent brain damage, Schwami Schmedulov has forced his mental waves to the low frequencies of Jean Effing Kerry, Ted "Jabba-the-Pub" Kennedy, James Snarlville and the rest of the Dembotic™ campaign weavils in order to divine the following plans they have for the first 100 days of a Kerry Adventuration:

Reinstate the Military Draft for all citizens not on public assistance.

Distribute secondary medical remedies for the Bush-induced influenza epidemic: spoonfuls of castor oil or kerrysene. For a modest campaign contribution, John Edwards will lay hands on the sick.

Raise the income tax on those earning $25,000 to $200,000 per year to 44% (He actually decided against raising taxes before he decided to do it, and set the percentage to match his Presidential Number.)

Create tax credits for donations to Liberal Causes by remarried individuals administering multi-billion dollar estate trusts.

Establish Diplomatic Relations with al Qaeda to negotiate a peace settlement and the obligatory reparations.

Address the United Nations to apologize for delays in withdrawing from Iraq and announce a moratorium on any further investigation into the Oil for Palaces scandal Food program.

Go to Paris to repair the damaged relationship with France by waiting in Jacques ChIraq's outer office for several hours, only to be told the French President has no time this week after all, and that his people will call Kerry - "varry soon."

Convert to Islam to make a hadj to Mecca to improve relations with Arab Nations in the Middle East with Cat Stevens.

Sign an Executive Order renaming the Green Bay Packer's stadium "Lambert Field."

And now, having endured substantial mental and spiritual stress, the Schwami must rest.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

A Rather Fanciful Tale

schmEditor's Note: Today The Bogæity Newsance Network© departs from its normally staid reporting strictures to portray the sobering events of recent days in a way most American Victims of the Mainstream Media can understand. With that, BNN is proud to present the story of...

Little Dan Ra^therhood

Once upon a time in a huge industrialized land there lived an innocent, unbiased network anchor called Little Dan Ra^therhood because of the little woolen hood he liked to pull over the eyes of others.

One day Little Dan Ra^therhood decided to go through the wild political jungle to visit one of his many anonymous friends whom he called "Grandslamma." He took a little basket and packed a tape recorder, a video camera and a feminist producer to blame if things went awry and traipsed off through the jungle to Grandslamma's house.

Little Dan Ra^therhood was very excited because he knew Grandslamma had some very juicy tidbits to share and he wanted to bring every one of them back to spread to all the people of the Global Village who looked at things through his little woolen hood.

As Little Dan Ra^therhood approached the condo where Grandslamma lived, he didn't see a Wicked Blogger of the Pajamahadeen sneak into Grandslamma's condo, wrap him in his Homeland Security Duct Tape™ and trundle him into the closet. The Wicked Blogger put on Grandslamma's robe, slippers and Red Sox baseball cap and sat down between his PC and fax machine.

Little Dan Ra^therhood tapped at the door, and in his best modulated announcer's voice said "Grandslamma, this is Little Dan Ra^therhood come to visit and scoop up your juicy tidbits. May I come in?"

The Wicked Blogger spoke into a little microphone that made his voice all squeaky and fuzzy and said "Only after you give the password."

"Hah!" thought Little Dan Ra^therhood, "with security measures like this, I can call this source 'unimpeachable'!" Quick as a wink, Little Dan Ra^therhood replied "Fahrenheit 9/11!"

"Come in" said the Wicked Blogger in disguise, "but don't turn on the lights because I have a cold and I want to remain anonymous."

Little Dan Ra^therhood stepped inside and sat down across from the Wicked Blogger. "My, what bland fonts you have, Grandslamma" said Little Dan Ratherhood.

"All the better to type juicy tidbits with" said the Wicked Blogger with a crooked smile.

Little Dan Ra^therhood leaned a little closer and said "My, what inconsistently applied superscripts you have, Grandslamma."

"All the better to put in the juicy tidbits" said the Wicked Blogger with stale nacho breath.

Little Dan Ra^therhood leaned even closer and said "My, what bad carpal tunnel syndrome you have, Grandslamma."

"All from typing up your juicy tidbits" said the Wicked Blogger with a crazed look in his eye. Just then, the Wicked Blogger threw off the cap, robe and slippers to reveal his pajamas and cried "And my NEXT juicy tidbits are gonna ruin YOU, Little Dan Ra^therhood!" as he started a blog entry.

Suddenly, a sportsman crashed through the door wearing expensive Italian shoes, carrying a football inside a red woolen hood. The sportsman ran over to the Wicked Blogger and slashed him to pieces with a large, razor-sharp commemorative knife before he could click the "post" button.

The sportsman turned to the terrified Little Dan Ra^therhood and said "I know how you feel Little Dan Ra^therhood, I've been searching day and night for years to find the person that did all the bad stuff that got me in so much trouble."

"OH, THANK YOU O.J.!" cried Little Dan Ra^therhood and they opened the closet to release Grandslamma. Then they all hurried back to the studio to make deadline and lived hillary ever after.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Truck Maker Neglects "Care Instructions" Tag on Latest Model

M. Ali Hahtraud, Fuelish Bureau
Friday, September 17th, 2004

Wooliteville, IL (BNN) - Executives at International Truck and Engine were embarassed to announce that they had left crucial "care instructions" for washing their newest model of heavy truck, the Commercial Extreme Truck (CXT). In addition to all of its many features, it is the first vehicle produced by a domestic manufacturer that is "Dry Clean Only."

The first purchasers of the behemoth CXT promptly went mud-riding, had a great time and then headed for the nearest coin-operated RV wash.

"We dint even use no hot water" stated Bruno Wilson, "I just hosed 'er down good and she up and started shrinkin' on me!"

Randall Everhardt had a similar experience. "Damndest thing I ever saw. As soon as the water soaked in, that whole truck came down to about three-quarter size."

Even after its improper cleaning, the CXT still peers over its competition, the Hummer and Ford Excursion, at nine feet tall.

International officials noted that BMW had used the same dry-clean technology on what they now market as the Mini-Cooper. Bavarian Motor Works engineers discovered that prewashing the Corvette-sized sportscar greatly enhanced its appeal. The pre-shrink tactic does not, however, complement the über-truck at all.

"We learned too late that the care instruction tag was not added to the early production models resulting in the unfortunate de-sizing incidents which have been brought to our attention. Purchasers can rest assured that International Truck and Engine will replace the vehicles if desired."

Future sales will include proper care instructions on a Kevlar tag attached inside the rear fender seam and dealers will offer a desizing option under International's controlled conditions.

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

Rather’s Resignation Speech

Snigbert Rantzenraves, Politicalamity Editor
Wednesday, September 15th, 2004

Allbaloney, NY (BNN) - As promised, CBS released its response to the myriad critics responsible for the outcry over CBS's obvious forgery of the now infamous "Typogate" documents purportedly showing George Bush was AWOL during his stint in the Air National Guard over 30 years ago.

Iconic CBS News Anchor Dan Ra^ther gave the response from the CBS Evening News desk behind which he had spent countless hours shaping public opinion. During the speech, Mr. Ra^ther was observed to sweat profusely from his upper lip, which he tried to wipe discreetly several times.

Here follows a transcript of Mr. Ra^ther's speech:

Good evening

This is the last of thousands of times I have spoken to you from these broadcast studios, where so many stories have been made that shaped the opinions of this Nation’s people. Each time I have done so, it was to make sure you knew what to think about some matter that I believed to be too important to leave to chance.

In all the reports I have made in my broadcast career, I have always tried to do what was best for liberal causes. Throughout this long and difficult period of Typogate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere and make every possible effort to stay in this broadcast chair that I so richly deserve.

In the past few hours, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have any shred of credibility in the journalism industry to justify continuing that effort. As long as I had enough people who “just took my word for it,” I felt strongly that it was necessary to see the yellow journalistic process through, that to do otherwise would be unfaithful to the spirit of propagandizing and very damaging to the causes of liberal politics.

But with the disappearance of my credibility, I now believe that I can no longer effectively put forth liberal dogma.

I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever legal proceedings might have resulted, and my family urged me to do so as long as their economic interests weren’t materially impaired.

From the discussions I have had with my publicist, Managing Editor and attorneys, I have concluded that because of the Typogate matter I might not have the support of Viacom’s Board of Directors that I would consider necessary to continue to proclaim the validity of the anti-Bush documents at the heart of this matter.

I have never been a quitter. To leave this job as CBS Evening Anchor before being fully vested in the Viacom Executive Retirement Program is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Anchor, I must put the interests of liberal politics first. The Dembotic™ campaign needs credible anchors in the major media, particularly at this crucial time when their candidate is tanking in the polls owing to his profound lack of substance.

Therefore, I shall resign as Senior Anchor of CBS News effective at noon tomorrow. Vice Anchor Ed Bradley will take over for me at that time with a four hour retrospective highlighting the best parts of my career, brought to you by the Soros Corporation©.

By taking this action, I hope that I will have hastened the start of the process of repairing the credibility of CBS News which has become so lacking thanks to my actions.

I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the reporting that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my opinions were wrong, and some were so very wrong, they were given in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of liberal causes.

To have served on this desk is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every one of you. In leaving it, I do so with this prayer: May secular grace be with you in all the days ahead.

Mr. Ra^ther then walked out of the studio and took the elevator to the executive helipad. As he stepped in to his private helicopter, he turned one last time to wave a peace sign to his tearful staff. As soon as the chopper lifted off, several of the staff began stabbing each other in the back as the internecine power struggle in a waning star of media began in full force.

(schmEditor's Note: This reporter noticed a number of similarities in Rather's speech with those of another prominent TV personality (see transcript). After typing both in MS Word, it is evident that Rather is not only a liar but also a plagiarist and journalism will be better off without him.)

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.

CBS’s Rather: Bush Forged Military Records!

Snigbert Rantzenraves, Politicalamity Editor
Wednesday, September 10th , 2004

Quitman, NY (BNN) - In a follow-up piece to his earth-shaking revelation proving President Bush’s desertion from the Air National Guard, iconic CBS news anchor Dan Ra^ther will reveal that President Bush created fake documents found in his military personnel records.

Ra^ther stated that he had obtained the documents from Karl Rove and reported on them in Wednesday’s edition of Sixty Minuets as part of a sting operation. By releasing the obviously faked documents created in Microsoft Word ‘97™, Ra^ther has created a firestorm of controversy that spread from the internet back into the more traditional liberal media outlets. Now that public interest is piqued, CBS News is poised to gain significant ratings points with the story.

Rather than spoil his pending report, Ra^ther declined to provide any details other than it was going to “get Karl Rove ‘frog-marched’ out of the White House and land Bush in prison. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

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"The Bogæity Newsance Network" and "BNN" ©2001-2004 and are the intellectual property of Schmedulov Jostikovitch. Unarthurized use is not arthurized unless specifically arthurized in writing by schmed, or certain Arthurs designated in writing by said schmed.