I look into the little basket in which are stored the complimentary packets of beverage sweeteners and came to the distinct conclusion that things have gotten completely out of hand.
There are four (4, IV, ٤, //// ) different complimentary packets of beverage sweetener vying for my attention.
The White Packet: Hello there you handsome devil you! (I said they were complimentary), I am sugar - and I'm sure you're familiar with me. Yep, been around forever y'know - sweetener of choice for centuries (whispers) these other guys can't say that! Still only 16 calories per teaspoon without that funny aftertaste...
The Pink Packet: Thut UP! You're thuch a bully! I do NOT leave an aftertathte, it'th jutht an enhanthed flavor reminithenth. I'm Thodium Thaccarine, tho pleathed to meat you. Thee how light I am? (twirls) You know I'll ditholve much more quickly in your ithed tea than Thugar! And I'm approved Thafe by the FDA and even have the paperth around here thomewhere...
The Blue Packet: Dude, while you're hangin' around waiting for pinkie here, lemme just bottom line this for ya: I'm NutraSweet, do the dissolve thing real fast and twice the work on a packet-for-packet basis. All that stuff about causin' memory loss is history if I remember correctly and...
The Yellow Packet: Monsieur! Don't-ah lissen to a-heem! I yam Splenda - c'est manifique, no? Put me in your cafe au lait and don't-ah be having-ah all zee calorees and chemeecals-ah, for I yam made from shu-gar!
schmed: Bad news guys. I take my coffee black and just lemon in my tea, so all y'all just hop back in the basket with the non-dairy creamer packet who's been so polite all by his lonesome.
Geez.
I guess I should be grateful they haven't figured out how to powderize cyclamates.
I'm a lemon only (hot or iced)tea guy myself. I don't drink that retched coffee though. If I have a need for a sweetener I use plain old sugar.
Posted by: Bruce | Monday, February 23, 2004 at 10:28 AM
That all sounds nice on the surface, but as I recall, you drink that retch-ed Pepsi, you wretch.
I'm with you on the sugar thing. If you're gonna skip dessert, splurge 32 calories in your coffee - you'll burn 'em off before you get back to the office.
Posted by: schmed | Monday, February 23, 2004 at 10:34 AM
I mean what I typo. Now I think I'm gonna retch.
Posted by: Bruce | Monday, February 23, 2004 at 12:57 PM
Haven't you heard? The stuff in the blue packet is a conspiracy involving the government and some aliens and Enron and Martha Stewart!. It causes cancer and memory loss, and it's all about the oil!
Bush lied, people used Equal and died!
Posted by: dave | Monday, February 23, 2004 at 02:07 PM
It's a CIA plot started during the Reagan administration and distributed by the Skull and Bones Society and the Trilateral Commission via black helocopters. Bush knew.
Posted by: Bruce | Monday, February 23, 2004 at 02:11 PM
I know a poor unfortunate soul who developed the aspartame-induced memory loss, only it was more like full-blown dementia. It took a full 6 months to recover her senses after she stopped the equal. The following year, she embarked on another diet plan and used Splenda, which caused chemo-like hair loss at a rapid rate. Whatever happened to "Better Living Through Chemistry"? The promise is unfullfilled.
Posted by: Suzette | Monday, February 23, 2004 at 05:01 PM
My mom was a big diet cola drinker and now she can't even finish a sentence. She has stopped drinking diet drinks but hasn't yet returned to normal. That stuff scares me.
Posted by: Bruce | Wednesday, February 25, 2004 at 07:44 AM
Ever seen the movie "Michael"? You just can't have too much sugar. Minimum of three heaping spoons per cuppa coffee in ehduhmonton, and keep em coming!
Not that I am, like, addicted or anything ...
Posted by: Essay | Wednesday, February 25, 2004 at 05:52 PM