Silly Legal Beagles

The following is transcribed from an actual letter received by me via U.S. Mail at my place of residence. I was initially inclined to recycle it into rainforest-preserving junk mail stock, but the title caught my attention.

(running schmeditorial commentia in italics)

RE: GM PISTON SLAP

Dear Schmedulov Jostikovitch,
(They got my name right, that means they musta got ahold of a list from the governmink.)

Do you own a 1999-2004 Chevrolet Suburban with a 3.1, 3.4, 4.3, 4.6, Northstar, 4.8, 5.3, 5.7 (LS1), 6.0 or 8.1 liter engine that displays any of the following problems?
(I did have a Chevrolet Subdivision at one time. It's engine was big enough that I didn't need to measure it.)

1. A loud embarrassing and annoying internal engine knock.
(I never noticed it blushing around all the other SUVs.)

2. Higher than normal levels of wear related materials in oil analysis samples performed by independent laboratories.
(Is it just me that doesn't go randomly around having my car's oil samples analyzed by independent laboratories? Is this something the prudent car owner should do?)

3. Vertical piston and cylinder wall scuffing/scratching or scoring on the hammering (noisy) cylinders upon visual inspection.
(It never occurred to me to crack open my engine block to visually inspect for scuffing/scratching or scoring of hammering cylinders. Are there nailing cylinders too?)

4. Reduced combustion chamber compression on the hammering (noisy) cylinders.
5. Increased oil consumption.
6. Increased exhaust emissions.
(And I used to measure all that stuff to the nth degree every morning before we went anywhere.)

7. Were you ever told by the service department that a "new piston" fix was to arrive in the spring or summer 2002?
(Yeah, but I thought "New Piston Fix" was one of those pre-fabbed boy-bands and had absolutely no interest in going to that kind of concert.)

If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, then EXTRAORDINARILY SILLY LAW FIRM, L.L.C. is here to help you (Where? Did they "Honey I Shrunk the Attorney" themselves into the envelope?). Our law firm is dedicated to helping consumers just like you through the perils and pitfalls of purchasing a defective automobile.
(I really do appreciate the alliteration, but with a little effort they could've come up with "perils and pitfalls of purchasing problematically pummeling pistons.")

If you believe that a piston problem (probably prevails?) exists with your current vehicle, please complete the ENCLOSED ANALYSIS FORM (Should we consumers just dribble a little of our wear-related material laden oil on it?) and fax or e-mail it to our office.

Over the past year, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (www.nhtsa.com) has received numerous complaints from consumers regarding this GM piston defect.

Your "lemon" rights and entitlements are defined by Louisiana and Federal laws as well as the warranty that can be found inside your vehicle's owner's manual. These rights are generally greater than what the manufacturer or dealer will admit to you. When we accept a case for representation we methodically pursue a number of claims to provide our clients with the widest potential recovery.
(I'm supposing these guys will take only a modest cut of any such recovery - maybe only a third!)

Because the recovery you may be entitled to varies quite a bit, please call us toll free at 1 (877) LEMNADE (1-877-NNN-BBBB) to discuss your legal rights and entitlements or visit us on the web at www.lemonaders.com and submit your free case evaluation.

Sincerely yours,
EXTRAORDINARILY SILLY LAW FIRM, L.L.C.

Silliest Partner-in-Charge

Next thing you know, I'll see similar silly solicitations silently sliding into my spambox about the ill effects of mayl enhancemental dietary additives - talk about your embarrassing piston slap.

Comments

[Corey]

And I thought they were bad with the commericals for MISOHORNY or whatever. (Actually Mesotheloma (pronounced me-so-theee-lee-omah)).

Also, "perils and pitfalls of purchasing problematically pummeling pistons" made me spit water. Thanks for getting my desk wet.

[schmeg]

I would be angry, but I'm still pissing myself...

[schmed]

Angry? Why - you a tourney or just miss out on your widest potential recovery?

And clean up y'all's messes - this is a respectable site and I don't need that funkitation on my floor.

[rockynoggin]

schmed, you should just ignore those like you ignore my emails

[schmeg]

Angry, why? - I detest ambulance chasers - like the one that the bedwetters want to put in the WH and like the ones that sent you the letter.
Sorry for the mess, but you have to admit that,
"perils and pitfalls of purchasing problematically pummeling pistons" is pretty damn funny. So it's your fault for the mess.
Seriously, you do point out a serous flaw with our legal system. Keep up the good work.

[GrumpyBunny]

I am so sick of those commercials. I think there ought to be a law limiting all commercials to 15 seconds.

I'll have to post a letter Hubster received...

[schmed]

Whatabout the TV commercial for hiring Ronnie-Lynne Butch to negotiate your back taxes with the Eye-Arra-Ess?

"She settled my back taxes to only TWENTY DOLLARS!" (...for only $4,735.43 plus S&H, court costs and time served) "...TWENTY DOLLARS!"

Where's the phone?

[dave frey]

Heh. Isn't comment spam SWELL???

Does typepad offer a way to shut comments off after X days? I've got my site set to shut off comments after 5 days. I figger most convos are over by then, and it gives the trolls and spambots a lot less targets.

[schmed]

Typepad has some gnomes that scrub most spamments out without operator intervention - the ones you saw (that I dint) for a zample.