Real Life Imitates Monty Python

The most famous Nobel Prize winning terrorist (Class of 1994), Yasser Arafat isn't quite dead yet. His aides are still negotiating with Fwench Doctors to see if they can finish him off. But we (most of us anyway) have already scene this:

LE DOCTEUR:	Bring out your dead! [clang]
AIDE:	Here's one -- nine euros.
ARAFAT:	I'm not dead!
LE DOCTEUR:	What?
AIDE:	Nothing -- here's your nine euros.
ARAFAT:	I'm not dead!
LE DOCTEUR:	Here -- he says he's not dead!
AIDE:	Yes, he is.
ARAFAT:	I'm not!
LE DOCTEUR:	He isn't.
AIDE:	Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
ARAFAT:	I'm getting better!
AIDE:	No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
LE DOCTEUR:	Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
ARAFAT:	I don't want to go in the cart!
AIDE:	Oh, don't be such a baby.
LE DOCTEUR:	I can't take him...
ARAFAT:	I feel fine!
AIDE:	Oh, do us a favor...
LE DOCTEUR:	I can't.
AIDE:	Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
LE DOCTEUR:	Naaah, I got to go on to Ramallah -- they've lost nine today.
AIDE:	Well, when is your next round?
LE DOCTEUR:	Thursday.
ARAFAT:	I think I'll go for a walk.
AIDE:	You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
ARAFAT:	I feel happy... I feel happy.
[clonk]:
AIDE:	Ah, thanks very much.

And there's Mrs. Arafat saying he's not dead. I'm not sure who she's trying to convince, but I'm tellin' ya, we (most of us anyway) have already scene it!

AIDE:	'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(SUHA ARAFAT does not respond.)
AIDE:	'Ello, sir?
SUHA ARAFAT:	What do you mean, "sir"?
AIDE:	I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
SUHA ARAFAT:	I’m going for lunch.
AIDE:	Never mind that, my lady. I wish to complain about this Terrorist Leader whom I brought not ‘alf an ‘our ago to this very ‘ospital.
SUHA ARAFAT:	Oh Yasser...What's,uh...What's wrong with ‘im?
AIDE:	I'll tell you what's wrong with ‘im, my lady. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with ‘im!
SUHA ARAFAT:	No, no, 'e's uh,...'e's resting.
AIDE:	Look, matey, I know a dead terrorist when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
SUHA ARAFAT:	No no 'e's not dead, he's, 'e's restin'! Remarkable man, Yasser, idn'e, ay? Beautiful stubble!
AIDE:	The stubble don't enter into it. ‘E's stone dead.
SUHA ARAFAT:	Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
AIDE:	All right then, if 'e's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting) 'Ello, Mister Yasser Arafat! I've got a lovely fresh suicide bomber for you if you show...
(SUHA ARAFAT hits the bed)
SUHA ARAFAT:	There, 'e moved!
AIDE:	No, 'e didn't, that was you hitting the bed!
SUHA ARAFAT:	I never!!
AIDE:	Yes, you did!
SUHA ARAFAT:	I never, never did anything...
AIDE:	(yelling and hitting the bed repeatedly) 'ELLO YASSER!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Yasser out of the bed and thumps his head on the counter, stands him up and watches him fall to the floor.)
AIDE:	Now that's what I call a dead terrorist.
SUHA ARAFAT:	No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
AIDE:	STUNNED?!?
SUHA ARAFAT:	Yeah! You stunned him, just as 'e was wakin' up! Old terrorists stun easily, major.
AIDE:	Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. Yasser is definitely deceased, and when I brought ‘im in not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that ‘is total lack of movement was due to ‘im bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged tirade.
SUHA ARAFAT:	Well, he's...'e's, ah...probably pining for the desert.
AIDE:	PININ' for the DESERT?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did 'e fall flat on 'is back the moment I got 'im ‘ere?
SUHA ARAFAT:	Yasser prefers keepin' on ‘is back! Remarkable man, id'ne, squire? Lovely stubble!
AIDE:	Look, I took the liberty of examining Yasser when I got ‘im ‘ere, and I discovered the only reason that ‘e had been sitting on ‘is chair in the first place was that 'e’d been NAILED there.
(pause)
SUHA ARAFAT:	Well, o'course 'e was nailed there! If I 'adn't nailed that guy down, ‘e would have jumped up, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
AIDE:	"VOOM"?!? Mate, this geezer wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through ‘im! 'E's bleedin' demised!
SUHA ARAFAT:	No no! 'E's pining!
AIDE:	'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! Yasser is no more! 'E has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the chair 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-TERRORIST!!
(pause)
SUHA ARAFAT:	Well, we'd better replace ‘im, then.
AIDE:	Now you get the picture.
SUHA ARAFAT:	I got a diplomat.
(pause)
AIDE:	Pray, does ‘e blow up?
SUHA ARAFAT:	Nnnnot really.
AIDE:	WELL ‘E'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS ‘E?!
SUHA ARAFAT:	Look, if you go see Hafez Assad in Syria, 'e'll replace ‘im for you.
AIDE:	Syria, eh? Well, allright.

Comments

[rockynoggin]

schmed, you never sees two mayonnaise.

[Corey]

I have not laughed this hard in a while. You took my two MOST FAVORITEST OF ALL THE TIMES Monty Python sketches and created beauty. I salute you, sir.

[dave]

Nicely done.

[Pink Kitty]

That's hysterical... I wrote at about the same time. Not quite as long as yours but the similarities are uncanny.

Great minds think alike!

[schmed]

It was too easy.
The real test will be if it gets picked up by Taranto for Beast of the Webbed Toady and the traffic blots my bandwidth. Even with the email, I figure the odds are pretty long.

[MetallicaRat]

Ha! Awesome.