The reason for the flurry of postings two weeks ago and no postings at all last week is that My Dear Sweet Wife insisted that I accompany her on a cruise. We set sail last weekend aboard D'agony of D'seas for a three hour tour seven night/day buffet.
Selected highlights and observations (in no particular odor):
· I now know where the term "aquamarine" comes from - it's in the tops of 12 foot waves facing the morning sun, just before they crash back into the Caribbean.
· Just because they make bikinis in size 26 doesn't mean anyone should buy them, much less wear 'em.
· If you had a cesarean 6 years and 40 pounds ago, the foregoing applies regardless of the size of the bikini. I swear this woman looked like she had butt-cheeks under her navel.
· Coral sand can actually be brushed off, unlike that powdery white quartz grit that attacks you in Pensacola/Destin.
· Grand Cayman looks kinda funny with all the leaves blown off all the trees. Avast there me hearties, they're rebuilding as fast as they can. Arrrrr.
· Cozumel is an island composed primarily of Tanzanite jewelry. Best I could figure is that it's made from crystallized Tazmanian Devil dooty.
· About the most decadent thing I did was to smoke a cooban cigar. While it beat the living hayl out of King Edward cigars, it's not something I'll need to do often.
· My Dear Sweet Wife enjoyed escargot, cherries jubilee and baked Alaska for the first time. No, I'm not kidding - and I've taken her to nice restaurants a few times, but she's a cheesecake fanatic.
· If baked Alaska is baked, is there such a thing as frozen Hawaii? (I'm just askin'.)
· Three meals a day is plenty. Four is pushing it. Five is simply stupid. Six is technically possible.
· If you drink heavily, add 40% to the cost of your cruise.
· If you don't drink heavily, prepare to be irritated by those who do, especially when they can walk a straight line with the boat rolling in 12 foot seas and you can't.
· I didn't know it was possible to have 18-hour-bra-qualified cleavage between one's shoulder blades. This is not gender-specific either. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
· Don't bum out if you can't find the silver jewelry you like at the first silver jewelry place you browse - one of the next 73 silver jewelry places will have it.
· It's a bitch trying to parallel park a 900 foot yacht along a pier with the current and a 12 knot wind broadside trying to blow the boat down the coast. I thought our Skipper was going to toss the local Gilligan, ostensibly on the auxiliary bridge to help, overboard - on the concrete side.
· It must be a bitch waiting 45 minutes for a 900 foot yacht to parallel park so you can go back and forth from the 2 boats that docked earlier to the 74 silver jewelry places on shore.
· I can't go on a cruise longer than 7 days or I won't fit in the shower.
· A bath towel can be rolled/folded to resemble a: dog, elephant, swan and rabbit. Towel origami curries much favor for the passengers' room attendant, so tip accordingly.
· One cannot take too many pictures with a digital camera. Note the title of this post. You're welcome.
· Tequila is available with a wide variety of dead critters preserved at the bottom of the bottles.
· There is a health inspector in Mexico. He works Tuesdays and Thursdays during months without r's from 10 to 2.
· Señor Frogs does not serve frog legs. They will, however, squirt kickapoo joy juice down your throat, joggle your head and give your breasts a vigorous jiggling while inanely blowing a whistle.
· Nachos in Mexico run about $42. That's in pesos (whew!) so it's about four dollars American. They use the same plastic cheese.
· I now have enough vanilla extract and Tortuga Rum to make a hundred billion rum cakes.
· There is a building inspector in Mexico. He's currently on long-term disability from falling off the balcony of a hacienda under construction.
· There is such a thing as the M-BAV (Buffet Assault Vehicle, Mechanized). There was an individual on board who was so large...
HOW LARGE WAS HE?
He was so large, the Skipper attached a GPS locator to his M-BAV so the ballast control computer could compensate for him.
Seriously, this guy was well over a quarter-ton, and with his M-BAV was probably pushing 800 pounds. He was semi-ambulatory and was observed occasionally with his enablers to stand and pivot.
On the night of the Gala Boofay, his M-BAV was too wide to navigate the paths between the fabulously constructed edible bread, fruit and vegetable exhibits and the gigantic ice and butter sculptures which lead to the Death-by-Chocolate bier. Instead, Jabba-the-Cripp patrolled the perimeter awaiting the end of the photo-tour. Folks, y'all just don't wanna know the rest.
· A bit of advice for white-trash chef-wannabes who can't figure out what fruit/vegetable they carved the red pine-cone looking thing out of: don't pick up and fondle each and every one of them while you ponder the mystery aloud.
And finally...
· When you get home, you must convince yourself that the floor isn't really moving, even when it makes you fall over in the shower.
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